Diary 2026

01 Jan, 2026

GOALS

1. 20% body fat
   
2. Interconnect fingers behind back again
   
3. Launch course
   
4. Publish MA dissertation as article
   

JANUARY

Yes, I know, I can be challenged on that. Challenged by many parties of differing perspectives.

I like this saying that I’ve heard the comedian Jimmy Carr cite:

"God is the name of the blanket we throw over mystery to give it shape." -Barry Taylor, road manager to AC/DC

Yes, I know, Ibn ʿAṭā Illāh has profound realisations and insights into this mystery.

Clever, sensitive people come in all traditions to make sense of them. Aquinas comes to mind.

Anyway, I’ll leave it for time being.

Let’s see if I can do one for every day…Happy new year!🥳

Friday 2nd January 2026 Normally I record my thoughts in my handwritten journal.

I felt only the polished should be here.

Not every thought to the mind ought to be recorded, right?

But they say writing is thinking…

I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide as a rational choice…

If I am liability with no dependents, is not suicide an act of responsibility?

Then I thought today: I have duties until I die to serve God and his creation. Even when I am old, alone, incapable, in pain, I can still praise God with my last breaths. I am a slave. I was entitled to nothing. I didn’t reject his authority even though I was imperfect in fulfilling duties. I am subject to his grace. God is forgiving and appreciative.

I think how in the chapter of the angels, God, or the divine voice, or whoever, describes the people in paradise receiving their bangles of gold, pearls and silk clothes, but they praise God for an everlasting life and freedom from worry and weary. That’s all we want: Peace. God is peace. Peace from him. Upon his chosen ones who bore the hardest brunt of duty to him and creation. Upon God’s righteous. And upon the rest of us.🍃

Sunday 4th January 2026 Yesterday was a screen-free day.

I took a meandering walk locally until I ended up at the new builds of the previous Springfield mental asylum. Just to think there were two in such close proximity: the one opposite the common at the end of Franciscan Road and Springfield.

I need to focus on exercise and diet and new money-making habits.

I have been thinking about other things too: the Steve Laws’ Remigration interviews; my listening to the Audible dramatisation of Austen; suicide. But right now I need to submit the BRAIS 2026 abstract before Monday.👨‍💻

Monday 5th January 2026 Went Uniqlo in evening since I realised from advice to test my wedding wear for Sunday that trousers no longer fitted. Was tired from day. Then got a Barbour Trapper hat to keep my ears warm from the Neal Yard branch.🙈

Tuesday 6th January 2026 Gym then went Mitcham to pick up father to go together by Uber to funeral of Babar Ahmad’s mother at Balham mosque. Then returned to Mitcham by bus to learn how he does his day trading. Too tired to cook back home. Had some Huel.🌊

Wednesday 7th January 2026 I need to do my taxes. Little chores throughout day tired me: picking up prescription and deliveries. I got a grey Next jumper for £9.99 from Oxfam.🦛

Thursday 8th January 2026 Spent all day in bed: listed all caliphs in notebook and made notes from Bannister’s Shadow Caliphs book for intended course. Had introductory video call with Sobanan Narenthiran in evening whose AI ethics course I intended in December.🛏️

Friday 9th January 2026 At 7am the electricity cut off. Checked fuse boxes: all switches up. Messaged local electrician who responded he was the mosque and came for 9am. By that time a message came from the power people that there had been a outage and they were solving it. But I told the electrician about two projects to fix the office lights and install an outside booster to strengthen the alley camera signal.

Picked up Ikea order of glass food containers with bamboo lids, bookends and magazine holders from Pearl chemist. As I was leaving house, AQ rang to enquire about Arabic OCR. I advised him to look up a fellow I retweeted who was working on such a project if I was not mistaken. On way to chemist, met Azum the plumber at property office on corner. I remarked on his fragrance. On way back, got three patties from Blessed Bakery (lamb, cheesy beef and jerk chicken).

In evening, attended Sheikh Amr’s wedding in West Ealing. I took photos which I will print out and annotate for my album.🫶

Saturday 10th January 2026 Must have been uneventful because I don’t remember what I did, only that I dyed my beard for Sunday. Writing this on 12th.🥱

Sunday 11th January 2026 Picked up ye olde looking leather money pouch from market’s Amazon lockers in morning. It’s really nice wearing trousers that do not pinch. Might buy some more larges from Uniqlo and put on Vinted current clothes.

Then tube to AI’s gorgeous wedding to SS at Morden Hall.

Monday 12th January 2026 Read more of Bakkar book; had video call with inheritance solictor then video call with Dr. William Barylo for advice on future (first time ever speaking with him). Then while looking at a video thumbnail of him, Dr. Haroon Sidat rings as he drives to Cambridge following my request for advice some time back.📞

Tuesday 13th January 2026 Trying to work on taxes. But days starts late. Feel tired. Ache in back and shoulder. From sleeping position and pillow arrangement? Not eating well. Became acquainted with Michael, young Italian who works at CTM coffee shop. Two kebab rolls from Dawat in evening. Call with Faraz.😖

Wednesday 14th January 2026 Went Edes & Ravenscroft with Khorrum Gilani, the antiques dealer, whom I befriended at Asad’s wedding. He was a former employee there and we got a good deal. Then we Khave Dunyasi for refreshments as the Dilly was undergoing renovations. Then we went to Faraz’s studio near Trafalgar Square since Khorrum was looking for a photographer to document the collection for one of his clients.👔

Thursday 15th January 2026 Magda came in morning. I spent the time at the gym. I realise I can listen to the audiobook while doing the steps machine. It feels indolent to live like this. Really tired when back home and got nothing done.🫩

Friday 16th January 2026 Writing this on Sunday and don’t even remember…🤨

Saturday 17th January 2026 Attended Hallaq event at Birbeck. Had lunch at Hibox with DU graduate and school teacher from Leicester. Had coffee with Faheem and Yakoob afterwards at Waterstones.🖋️

Sunday 18th January 2026 Julie came over to help me cook the honey soy chicken I saw on the chef Jack Oven’s video. I’ve put them in my new glass Ikea containers with the bamboo lids. Had video call with Dr. Haroon Sidat in-between his online classes.🎋

Monday 19th January 2026 Unremarkable; don’t remember (writing Friday 23rd January)

Tuesday 20th January 2026 Interviewed Dr. Erkki Kojonen in morning. Was supposed to have met Sobanan at British Musuem but he misunderstood date.🫣

Wednesday 21st January 2026 Tested dinner date concept. Worked well. Will keep foldable table in front room. Will try for three now. Need rug if people are to eat on floor. Need Duralex glasses and serving bowls. Served the honey garlic soy chicken thighs with rice (plus cinnamon stick, bay leaves, cardamon pods, whole black pepper, a little ghee) garnished with sesame seeds and chopped spring onions. Basic tomato and cucumber salad with sea salt, pepper, fresh lemon juice and olive oil. I had a jug of fresh mint and chopped lemon that my guest thought looked fancy even though it was so basic. Next time someone brings chocolates, I will take a few and return the rest.😃

Thursday 22nd January 2026 Met Shone after almost two years at Grounded, Aldgate East. Had veggie and vegan burgers.🍔

Friday 23rd January 2026 You live in this world like you already are in your grave: alone in the dark, unremembered. Your value is spent. You were always a liability, an inefficiency. Love will not reach you there. And yet perhaps the realm of prayers and angels are true, plausible, not impossible. That sovereign force of mysterious stature persists even through your bones. Its permanence that shaped mountains and rivers lives on. Each blade of grass creates that scene. You can smile that you made someone smile even though they will never know your name. I was important to the ever living. I was his thought. He values his thoughts. His thoughts are valuable. In my insignificance to others, there is comfort in the absence of further burdens of responsibilities. I am his valuable blade of grass, each detail nurtured as carefully as exploding galaxies that are pinpricks in our night sky.

Dinner at Gallio 7pm organised by Nadia; joined by FA, photographer, three other strangers. Spent some time at National Portrait Gallery by myself beforehand. Liked the fabric Roma portraits; liked portraits of people doing things not their primary recognised occupation; liked montages of the individual within a frame (if photographic, would still work?). Then Italian Bear after dinner.🍽️

Saturday 24th January 2026 Can’t remember.

Sunday 25th January 2026 Teacher sent a message that he wouldn’t be available for our online 9am. I actually wanted to tell him I was going to be late. I joked “Nothing to do with being newly married”. Then met SS at Natural History Museum. I hadn’t been since a child. Building stunning. But signs of neglect: like, literally the signs were worn away and illegible. T-Rex restaurant pizza (cheap cheese) was so-so. SA had falafel burger with chips. Those were nice. Ended day at Ole and Steen.😩

Monday 26th January 2026 Electrician, 20yo, 4 months in UK from Multan on student visa, put up Wifi booster in back. I advised him that he can do his namaz and roza, but he must respect the customs of the local people. And also not to fool around with white girls. Julie had to wait round until finished with him to batch cook for week. The thighs from JR looked funny. They hadn’t been deboned. Very unlike the nicer looking thighs from Tariq. Felt sick eating it in a tortilla wrap. Spat out last mouthful and threw away. Facetime with SA.🥴

Tuesday 27th January 2026 Met Dr. William Barylo and his wife for lunch at Lahore Karahi followed by tea at Arshad Khan.🫖

Wednesday 28th January 2026 Attempted a water fast. Didn’t achieve much in day. 🔫

Thursday 29th January 2026 Model day: 6am is my start - start with readings in bed while sipping coffee flask prepped night before. Excercise. Reading the Bannister book. Evening appointment. Not feeling tired that I have been so accustomed to. After God’s grace, I attribute to creatine, protein, exercise and 9pm bedtimes.🛌

Friday 30th January 2026 Ditto.🫶

Saturday 31st January 2026 Attended Dr. Yakoob Ahmed’s book launch at SOAS. Beforehand, since I was early, I had a shufti of the British Museum bookshop for research material on any future tours or creating my own books and courses. I also had a quick look at the Hawaii exhibition.

I went to SOAS SCR which I thought was empty, except when I went to fill my flask with water, from behind the unit out jumped Lubna. She was also attending the event.

Yahya Birt, the chair, I believe, deliberately avoided my raised hand for questions perhaps owing to my question for Hallaq which may have come across as bellicose and rude.

I met people I hadn’t seen for a year or more perhaps: Dr. Yusuf Choudhary, now living in Cambridge, and Salahuddin Mazhary, the journalist, and also Sofia Niazi, the artist.

Then Joe and the Juice in Brunswick with Dr Shone Surendran. While there Dr. Behar Sadirou came in with friends.

Only on the tube home did I learn from a response to my video of the prestart front setup that Faheem had been there too with his daughter. 🤠

FEBRUARY

Monday 2nd February 2026 Stayed at home working on odds and ends. AI came over in evening. ✊

Tuesday 3rd February 2026 Working on table of caliphs. 🏓

Wednesday 4th February 2026 Ditto.

Thursday 5th February 2026 Didn’t go evening class. Ordered lamb biriyani in from Royal Mahal. I think I repaired the remaining Wifi and cameras on this day or before.

Friday 6th February 2026 Dinner date. New bond forged. 🛢️

Saturday 7th February 2026 You need to expend energy to gain energy. I feel this most on weekends when I don’t have morning exercise. Perhaps on weekend mornings I should have a walk while listening to a podcast and explore unfamiliar local streets.

In the evening, instead of Uber Eats, walked to Sainsbury. Picked up £5 pizza, an aubergine deli starter, mousse and cinnamon milk, all for around £15. I got an orchid for Chloe’s birthday. Started listening to Blood Brothers podcast with Dr. Aladwan. 🍕

Sunday 8th February 2026 Sunday morning chat with Mufti Muadh Chati for AHP. ☕️

Monday 9th February 2026 Double session. J came over to cook. 🥘

Tuesday 10th February 2026 Another day. 👔

Wednesday 11th February 2026 Picked up Baer’s Ottomans book from London bought on Vinted. On way there, met SZ, the web designer. Spoke about his current work and exchanged details. J came over again to hold ladder for camera reset and help around the house. Put some more photos in album, including her deceased cat. And we chose some Ikea items for kitchen wishlist. 🎋

Thursday 12th February 2026 This prep is taking longer than anticipated….

Friday 13th February 2026 Picked up suit from Edes and Ravenscroft with KG. Then Starbucks/ Vigo that was his former offices with Islamique wooden ceilings. 🧳

Saturday 14th February 2026 ...

Sunday 15th February 2026 British Museum to see Samurai exhibition then Honest Burgers followed by Miel bakery. ❤️

Monday 16th February 2026 Still reading Maer’s Ottomans

Tuesday 17th February 2026 …

Friday 20th February 2026 Ramadan started Wednesday/Thursday.

I need to share more of my journal jotted thoughts here.

My comment on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RD0Yh8SEpmk

1. Words
2. Wider worlds (e.g., context)
3. Personal experiences
4. Connections
5. General lessons

On history and science as contexts for understanding ‘scripture’ (I know you might not like the term but allow me to use it here for ease), there can be an argument that they undermine the claims of believers of these texts not merely being the products of their time and place.

For example, the scientific miracles approach has been debunked by the people who once promoted them. Granted, such verses should be read for their moral implications instead and to inspire awe or love of the Divine, and that it can be said nothing in the Quran—read correctly—is at odds with reason or certain knowledge of the observed world.

However, some have argued that there is no independent evidence for the existence of Abraham or the Exodus, and that these should be understood as the founding legends and myths of an ancient people. I understand the likely response will be that the Quran is a linguistic miracle that has been perfectly preserved, and that alone is proof for whatever claims it makes about the past and the world around us, but those are separate positions to prove because the default position for any speech or writing is that it is man‑made.

Saturday 23rd February 2026 Cooked the Jack Oven’s Chicken Lemon Orzo for week.

Sunday 24th February 2026 IKEA haul arrived in morning via DPD: new chopping board (large and small with handle); pepper mill; metal kitchen roll holder; metal napkin holder; fancy napkins for guests.

Video call with DM. Told him about my current mindscape.

Attended IHRC Iftar event at Kenton Hall. Very villagely vibes walking up there. Acoustics kinda could be better. Last presenter, a child of holocaust survivors, had best reception. Persian food. Nice to meet old folk, some new folk, and getting to know better folk I vaguely knew before.

Monday 25th February 2026 DM said yesterday he advises his children not to think when it comes to difficult questions about faith. I found that disturbing

Started looking at Shahab Ahmed’s book on the Satanic Verses.

Tuesday 26th February 2026 Had the Ikea kitchen online meeting in morning, then SOAS academic career online workshop.

Wednesday 27th February 2026 Tested the door pull-up frame with a black belt. I’m too fat to hang.

It was dark in morning. Every morning is dark.

Went BJJ for double sessions. Then online 1-2-1 with SOAS career’s freelance Andrea Cox.

A few kind words from SS improved mood. 🏓

Thursday 28th February 2026 Eventful day…

Started 1030 with in-person conference presenting and networking workshop at SOAS by Andrea Cox. Sofia Tsourlaki was there. We larked.

Then convinced her to accompany me to Vivobare shop. I got the plainest version.

En route promoters were distributing Tim Tam biscuits.

Rang Faraz about meeting him at his studio. No response. Sent message for response in ten minutes otherwise will head to SOAS. Wandered around Covent Gardens. Faraz said, ‘Yes’.

Met him at his studio. His PT friend Dean came over. Had a banter. Gave advice about improving my hamstrings. Told him my motto for young guys, ’Stop wanking. Start lifting’. Loved it a t-shirt idea.

Then headed back to SOAS. Saw delays on Piccadilly line. Took 14 bus from outside Trocadero while listening to the 1430 online CV session by Andrea Cox too.

Met Sobohan Narenthiran at Russell Square for japes at British Musuem 1500 pre-arranged. Got lunch from the main eatery there (cos better deal and variety), and took up to Members Room. But they closed 1600. So I finished mine at foot of stairs outside gift shop exit to Samurai exhibition. Staff were announcing closure. We had until 1700 to see exhibition.

Then I showed him about SOAS. We wandered into Brunei Gallery. They had a late opening on the Thursday. Lo! the actual photographer, Jateen Lad, for the Mughal Benares exhibition was there to do tours. A few others came for that, but Sobohan and I had to leave 1815 for prebooked School of Life evening at Observatory cafe for a trial talking session.

There were 16 attendees plus host, Anna, a psychotherapist. Five were men. Two of them were white. Rest were mainly middle-aged women, most foreign-born. We were given questions to explore in pairs and swapped around for four five minutes rounds for each half. Not for me.

Then Sobohan and I went King’s Cross: him North, me South. 🕌

Friday 27th February 2026 Didn’t go BJJ. Tested new shoes to new Gails. Got a chocolate bun for £4.70. Reading Shahab Ahmed’s Satanic Verses book. Clear. Well-argued. 😈

Saturday 28th February 2026 Water fast and not much else. Finished listening to Audible dramatisation of Jane Austen's Emma. Surely, even then for your 21 year old daughter's bestie to be a 37 year old man who lived next door was kinda sus?

MARCH

Sunday 1st March 2026 Got advice that in the mornings don’t replay the past but rehearse the future because if one occurrence should coincide with your imagination, then it shows your control. Yes, I always talk of dreaming big, that imagination leads where reality follows.

Monday 2nd March 2026 More training…

Thoughts from my bedside handwritten journal:

Tuesday 3rd March 2026 Attended Andrea Cox’s Storytelling workshop at SOAS. There were two girls doing PhD at Royal Veterinary College on dog welfare. Then visited FA at his studio.

Wednesday 4th March 2026 Double session. Exhausted and dirty. I shouldn’t use YouTube to relax

Thursday 5th March 2026 Found an Etsy purchase I didn’t make in my account. Got refunded.

Walk in park. When coming back, I got myself a Passion Fruit (if I remember correctly) Mogu Mogu drink. I was sipping as I was walking back down home. One of the local mosque congregants, with whom I have a passing acquaintance, greeted me with presumably his daughter at hand from school. It was only later in the evening that it occurred to me that it was Ramadan!

Call with Farah Khan.

Friday 6th March 2026 Another double. Spent evening watching Jubilee odd one out videos.

Saturday 7th March 2026 Dr. Hamza Malik, with whom I keep infrequent contact, sent a message saying he saw me in a dream:

We were both fasting and you were telling me lots of things and making jokes and you seemed very happy. It was nice to see you

Sunday 8th March 2026 Visited parents for iftar. 🥄

Monday 9th March 2026 After double, online manuscripts workshop 1400-1530 (quite useful) care of School of Advanced Studies. 📑

Tuesday 10th March 2026 This week took a challenge for no YouTube and other person without social media. Felt like I’ve been fasting to keep weight down. Started reading Shady Nasser’s new book on the Quran and poetry. ⚖️

Wednesday 11th March 2026 Lesson learnt: book early. First session cancelled because no booking. Attended 1230-1330 with those who were ‘refugees’ from first! Cleaner came in morning and I helped her instead. 🧹

Thursday 12th March 2026 Started listening to Caroline Lucas’ England book for walks. 🚶

Friday 13th March 2026 Another double then attended Fatima Zainab Rajwani event with Lowkey at Memon Centre. Met May Ayres there. 🚜

Saturday 14th March 2026 At home all day. Listened to Jamie Bartlett Fake and Gatekeepers podcasts. 🌉

Sunday 15th March 2026 Today I took part in a BJJ competition and won a bronze. It’s not as impressive as it sounds because there were only three people in my category. However, Alhamdulillah, I did fulfil one ambition which was not to be submitted in my first fight against someone who had competed before. He won by points although I did escape his guards a few times. I then had a second fight only five minutes afterwards and was subbed quickly. I was tired out by the first, which is poor BJJ on my part because I should conserve energy. The atmosphere was friendly. I will use my shame and disappointment to do better.

I took the DLR to Cyprus. It was the furthest east of London I had ever been on public transport. I met New Zealand Dyson and a female companion with him swiping out of station too. A group of us returned home together.

I bought flowers from Sainsbury, returned home, showered, got changed, picked a rose and pistachio cake from the new Gail’s, and took bus to parents with brother’s birthday gift of some chocolates and a mini Dr. Pepper can in a gift bag with a Where’s Wally? card. 🥉

Monday 16th March 2026 Used this a rest day…

From a message I sent AU:

Is suicide not an act of bodily autonomy? If women are permitted to abort their children in the UK, why aren’t men allowed to kill themselves so long as they are not escaping responsibilities or obligations?

Myth of Sisyphus arrived in post…🪨

Tuesday 17th March 2026 I’ve told my PhD supervisor, Prof. Hugh Kennedy, to do what Prof. Ehrman has done in having a team to manage podcasts and courses. A man like that does not know how to lives without the reading and writing. If anyone is interested they should reach out to him. I am his last student. SOAS has treated him dreadfully. He is retired now but he has been allowed to keep his office (albeit forced to share - the sheer affront and indignity! although mercifully his roomie rarely uses the space) to finish a book to fulfil the university’s research output metric. 🍀

Wednesday 18th March 2026 Rang NACRO to get advice regarding DBS. Will apply for police info.
Claps in changing rooms at BJJ.
Finished last night's doner and cheese mac. With protein shake with tumeric.
🪨

Thursday 19th March 2026 In evening I was fortunate to receive a private tour of the Mughal Banaras exhibition at SOAS gallery by the photographer himself, Jateen Lad, with the company of Dr Shone Surendran. Then Shone and I had lunch at Hiba Express: falafel and halloumi wraps with chips and salad shared between us. He liked the garlic sauce in particular. Bought Ben’s Cookies for first time as gifts when next visiting parents. 🌉

Friday 20th March 2026 Was booked for double BJJ in morning but stayed in bed all day with some reading and listening. I listened to some of Peterson’s 12 Rule read by another on YouTube (via DuckDuckGo on iPad shut). Screen-free day. This was Eid. 🛏️

Saturday 21st March 2026 Attended BJJ side control seminar and session before that. Saw the Eid messages. Old electronic items I had planned to put in library bin since I thought no-one would want them sold on Vinted. Charged £1 because I couldn’t guarantee items still worked despite being expensive otherwise e.g. TP-Link devices. Not happy family dinner in evening. Nephew in US. 😞

Sunday 22nd March 2026 Thoughts from journal:

Did we have freewill before language?

Learning language, even one’s native tongue, without logic results in human words for animal grunts.

You are not loved. You are a liability.

If women are allowed to kill their children for their own inconvenience, why aren’t men allowed to kill themselves for the convenience of others? Responsible suicide is like Ottoman fratricide.

Last night I made flatbread from Greek yoghurt, flour and sea salt. I was pleased with results. This was my first time making this.

For lunch, I tried this vegan sausage roll, which I thought was part of a meal deal from Sainsbury, along with these bitesize crackers and cheese, and a Sainsbury’s Deli green juice (which wasn’t that nice). The refined carbs caused me to become sleepy. I was unable to meal prep for week ahead, so I had to do on Monday morning instead. My plan is to tidy up my appearance to make the YouTube videos and to get new headshots, including a new government ID photo.

I feel sad and lonely. My feelings are the price for curiosity and enquiry for the truth. If the Quran or the Baghavad Gita are what they claim to be, I will be guided to peace - I like to think. The editor of the Baghavad Gita I have, however, stipulated being a disciple of Krishna. These feelings may be the fault of others (an usurious amoral economy) but it is my responsibility alone to fix, to heal, to remedy, to resist, to find my inner peace despite the seeming chaos around me. There were a party (farīq) of God-committed amongst the people of Saba. Some may have perished with the burst dam but God recognised their attempt to do what was right. The Moslem peoples are tribally the most resilient to the corrosive atomisation of modernity. Their myth and legends are compelling. Their legal and ethical methods are wholesome. Being besieged forces one to turn inwards for succour. Should they feel relaxed for wider enquiry, would they enjoy such certainty about their convictions?

Monday 22nd March 2026

Tuesday 23rd March 2026 Phone call with inheritance solicitor in FA’s studio. TO classes restarted.

Wednesday 24th March 2026 Jamie Oliver’s. Photoshoot.

Thursday 25th March 2026 Resume Evening Class from before Ramadan.

Thursday 26th March 2026

Friday 27th March 2026

Saturday 28th March 2026

Sunday 29th March 2026 Day out with S. Covent Garden. National Portrait Gallery. 🖼️

Monday 30th March 2026

Tuesday 31st March 2026 Did my Zaman Books Press children YouTube video. 📹

Wednesday 1st April 2026 FH comes over. We go for walk in common. 🏞️

Thursday 2nd April 2026 I go IKEA Oxford Street to order pantry and table. I want to entertain guests at home. Then I went SOAS to print out guidelines to convert MA dissertation to article. So much unpaid labour. I hole it doesn’t get rejected. Was survived a weekly travelcard was over £50. Expecting my student travelcard in post. Then evening lesson. 🖨️

Friday 3rd April 2026 Went to eldest sister’s for lunch. My second sister there. We went for walk on Wandsworth Common. Saw last part of Sister Act with them once back. Then bus home. 🚶‍♀️

Saturday 4th April 2026 As a servant of the king’s King, I behave as a good subject of the king, a servant of the King.

Communities self-regulate selfish behaviour. From Usborne’s Economics for Beginners.

Sunday 5th April 2026 Monday 6th April 2026 Went British Museum’s Samurai exhibition with a mate. Explored streets adjacent to GOSH. Loved Lamb Conduit Street. Iced coffee at Kozzy cafe. Walked all the way to London Bridge station for final goodbyes. 🤹

Tuesday 7th April 2026 Very little done in day… 🙁

Wednesday 8th April 2026 I feel like a slug sliding by…

Cleaner came around…

Dressed to go BJJ but didn’t.

Went for a walk around the common.

Saw neighbour with workman measuring up to install gate. He even said I was fat. 🫃

Thursday 9th April 2026 When I came back from gym felt very tired…

I thought GP call was today; actually, 16th…

Went into Sainsbury’s next door to gym to get a meal deal; didn’t look forward to another Huel meal with tuna, but didn’t buy anything ‘cos money innit. Had shake. Should have eaten. Ruined day. I could have bought it. It wouldn’t have been big deal.

Alone. No one is going to help you.

You can pray to God but he won’t hang up your laundry.

Unwashed dishes in sink.

I feel so tired. So pathetic. So worthless. Why do I bother? No-one cares. I don’t make a difference. 😣

Friday 10th April 2026 Finished Ikigai book got from exhibition shop. Now reading Psychology of Money… 💰

Saturday 11th April 2026 KG came to help install IKEA pantry and table that arrived yesterday. Realised I should buy electric screwdriver to make easier.

I would translate “Oh you who believe” in the Quran as “You who are truly devoted”.

Worse than romantic rejection is being ghosted by missionaries.

Sunday 12th April 2026 Well, would you believe, JWs visited me in the morning. Reuben, his wife, Ayesha, and their two small girls. I told them how Philip ghosted me, but Reuben explained that he was moving at the time. We exchanged numbers. And writing this on the 18th, he still has not responded. 👻

Monday 13th April 2026 I’ve started commuting to SOAS DS now. It feels good to do that. I’m sustaining myself on Tesco Meal Deals with the added Clubcard discount.

IT guy was shirty. In hindsight, I think it was because I didn’t use wait system which only become more manifest a next day. 🥪

Tuesday 14th April 2026 Told my Eduroam connection problem will now be solved at the end of the week when I was told yesterday that it would be end of Monday or Tuesday. 🧑‍💻

Wednesday 15th April 2026 Met with BS at end of day. Saw NA leaving as I was heading to main building. We went Bexy’s in Brunswick Centre. Told him I need to come out about something and that he may not be happy what I have to say… 📤

Thursday 16th April 2026 Went to see FA at his studio. I thought I would use Thursday for ‘Domestic-Related tasks’. However, his post Pakistani friend gave him last minute notice that he was passing by. 🧹

Friday 17th April 2026 Double BJJ killed me. Didn’t help Prof. H made me roll with him inbetween. I think I will bring some raisins as a snack. 😫

Saturday 18th April 2026 BA’s father’s funeral at Balham. Met people I hadn’t seen for almost 20 years. Father and I had lunch at Lahore Karahi after making enquiries at Dawat regarding time for Mr. Ansari’s funeral on Monday. Then home to hang up laundry.

Experimented with frying thinly sliced tofu in olive oil with sea salt, and some with a bit of ground pepper or paprika. Nice. Can work with this. 🧂

Sunday 19th April 2026 Made veg tagine. 🫑

Monday 20th April 2026 Gym, then Mr. Ansari’s funeral at Gatton, co-owner of Dawat restaurant. Then DS for MM to help me figure out how to update PHP and then Wordpress. We updated PHP but couldn’t with Wordpress. And despite contacting support, easiest thing was to delete the personal site since so little content on it. 🖥️

Tuesday 21st April 2026 To FA. Helped him move studio to smaller room in the building. Tube strikes but still managed to get home okay. 💺

Wednesday 22nd April 2026 Phone call in evening with LC, nutritionist, about consultation and cooking lessons. House in mess. 🥦

Thursday 23rd April 2026 Words do not change reality, only God’s words change reality. Our ought to conform to reality. To do so, we must express our degree of certainty and their sources to distinguish between speculative statements and assertions of examined conclusions.

A healthy flourishing human collective is founded on reality and nature. Strength and efficiency are not sufficient for eudamonic growth.

AB plumbing in morning. Defeated by Ikea furniture in evening. DK and K come over from Devon before flight tomorrow to Warsaw. We had a jolly at Royal Mahal. 🥘

Friday 24th April 2026 AB came over again for lunch from Dawat to complete the pantry. 🪴

Saturday 25th April 2026 Should be doing my cooking now...

https://tantaman.com/2026-04-06-civilizational-texts.html GRHAPTISA-HOEWAGmaxxing

I’m khudimaxxing. 💥

Sunday 26th April 2026 I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not clever. I couldn’t do a Kasurian.

It’s not that I don’t meet ‘standards of academia’ - I’m an OA and got a first and distinction for BA and MA respectively - the standards are not all that for non-elite unis - but you don’t need to attend unis - it’s about merits of arguments - a simple guy with the right questions and a conscience is usually better than most UGs.

👨‍💼

Monday 27th April 2026 Visited FA at studio. Joined me for call to II. Visited his new flat. Passed by a bakery whose owner had lived in Lebanon for ten years. Some features still preserved from 1930s like court clock. Part of old Middlesex hospital. Unhappy video call with S.

I say I need another digital detox from X but how else be in touch with Kasurian and SAIF.

🧹 Tuesday 28th April 2026

Video call with AU in Cairo after a long time to discuss Quran issues.

📺

Wednesday 29th April 2026 Met AA at a nice café outdoor in nice weather local to him to discuss the Quran issues.

GRHAPTISA+ HOEWAG can be secondhand online. Others, support brick and mortar bookshops. Like those one pot/ one tray vegan cookbooks I got from Waterstones yesterday.

Met with BS, HS and CB end of day at DS for camomile. Also, saw AL. Came out to BS.

🌤️ Thursday 30th April 2026 Khudimaxxing asabiyacels

I walk with the Peace from the Peace to the Peace with the Peace.

The Peace is always there. Sometimes I become temporarily blind or deaf from environmental shocks. Once I calm down, I realise the Peace is always there.

I am a lamb to a lion. I am the flower when crushed still smells sweet.

I must cultivate virtues and rid myself of vices to flourish as a fruitful tree.

Friday 1st May 2026 Went out with FA to Hyde Park in evening. Lovely. On way back to his home via back streets, met lads promoting their drink Ademo Fruits with shot glasses at stall there.

Earlier at BJJ, KK said philosophical men like me are the ones who should have children after mentioning fears of responsibility instead of feckless.

The ineffable inevitably requires imagination to make sense of it.

😊

Saturday 2nd May 2026 Expect short-term volatility with long-term optimism. 64:9-11

Notice how even with surrender to the divine, one will still make mistakes and encounter hardship. However, that light will make the momentary darkness bearable, and perhaps a source of inspiration for something beautiful; melancholy is to make sadness beautiful, to make pain beautiful, to make regret beautiful. The beauty will persist long after the sadness has passed. You will inspire other others.

The universe is rigged to return generosity. Smile, and stranger smiles back. Sometimes, the return may not be immediate. But the Ultimate will not be undermined by the giving of his subjects. The Ultimate will show itself to be the greatest source of good. Keep giving. The Ultimate will not be rivaled in love, beauty, kindness, charity, hospitality and generosity. Oh, my Master I challenge thee in love.

Experimented with a vegan one pot recipe. It had 200g couscous, 200g frozen peas, 200g smoked tofu (although the package I bought in Sainsbury’s was 225g), two spring onions, lemon zest, chopped parsley, and 400ml water along with 2 tablespoons of olive oil. It turned up very nice and I had some the next day for breakfast.

In afternoon, I attended the BJJ graduation and was promoted to blue belt.

💙

Sunday 3rd May 2026

Walk with YA. Came out to him.

🚶‍♂️

Monday 4th May 2026

Met SS at Regents Park. She made clear it wasn’t working but not clear to me why apart from being different. I tried to suggest solutions but she wasn’t interested, it seemed. I respected her decision but she seemed unsatisfied even with that.

We went Bleecker for lunch. First time trying.

Tuesday 5th May 2026 Massage with Liz 9am at gym. She removed cricks from my neck.

Went parents in morning for father to show me his method to buy and sell shares. Sold Vodafone and bought Lloyds. It’s painful to watch his old age. The way he prints out each transaction. The way if an anomaly occurs, how he wouldn’t understand why and how to solve, like when I logged into his computer for my account resulting in his automated login to disappear when he wanted to use. I’m scared of the vulnerabilities of old age. For them and me. No trust for strangers around us. Solutions? Build relationships. First steps? Say ‘hello’, converse. Attempt to find common terms. Give first.

Then at noon we went by bus to Tooting for his optician appointment and I picked up my SGHMS library card.

👨‍🌾

Wednesday 6th May 2026 Blood test at GP morning, gym, class 7pm (changed from Thursday).

Went into the workspace early to work on a application but I found the place quite noisy, and it can be difficult to work in an unaccustomed place.

😕

Thursday 7th May 2026

Naming is an act of power. Think God telling Adam the names of things. Think how colonialists rename local places and so on.

Attended Project Management online course by Dr Holly Prescott. Useful. Well presented. I like her grift and aim to emulate. Interview-driven blog posts turned book.

Then Dr Joseph Ford cover letter class which Holly also put a comment in chat and I asked are you same person.

📟

Friday 8th May 2026 Being happy or sad is like being hot or cold. Despite your not being at fault, it is within your responsibility to use a fan or put on a jumper.

Went SOAS in afternoon after BJJ to attend Zoom session by Dr. Serena Sharma on dealing with setbacks in academia. There were eight participants in total.

Afterwards met Dr. David Coolidge at Gaia café opposite the British Museum. We then met up with BS and HS. We had planned to meet up anyway for our diet day off, so I asked DC to tag along. We went Smoke & Pepper. Our first time, and it wasn’t bad. DC had a Spice It Up burgers with fries and a “Cuddles on the Beach” mocktail.

DC took a Uber back to his hotel. DC went to Euston, and HS and I took his normal bus journey to Waterloo, which I might start doing because it seemed faster, but perhaps that was because it was already 8pm.

I had contacted DC last week saying I liked his work on Hinduism that I had seen him post about on Facebook. He replied saying he was in London on Friday and sent me his number.

Saturday 9th May 2026

Watch out for the forthcoming Dark Akhīdemia ring of Iqbal Nasim, Mustafa Warsi, Jacob Williams and the Kasurian mandem

Sunday 10th May 2026 - Friday 15th May 2026

Week up North

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