Diary 2026

01 Jan, 2026

GOALS

1. 20% body fat
   
2. Interconnect fingers behind back again
   
3. Launch course
   
4. Publish MA dissertation as article
   

JANUARY

Yes, I know, I can be challenged on that. Challenged by many parties of differing perspectives.

I like this saying that I’ve heard the comedian Jimmy Carr cite:

"God is the name of the blanket we throw over mystery to give it shape." -Barry Taylor, road manager to AC/DC

Yes, I know, Ibn ʿAṭā Illāh has profound realisations and insights into this mystery.

Clever, sensitive people come in all traditions to make sense of them. Aquinas comes to mind.

Anyway, I’ll leave it for time being.

Let’s see if I can do one for every day…Happy new year!🥳

Friday 2nd January 2026 Normally I record my thoughts in my handwritten journal.

I felt only the polished should be here.

Not every thought to the mind ought to be recorded, right?

But they say writing is thinking…

I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide as a rational choice…

If I am liability with no dependents, is not suicide an act of responsibility?

Then I thought today: I have duties until I die to serve God and his creation. Even when I am old, alone, incapable, in pain, I can still praise God with my last breaths. I am a slave. I was entitled to nothing. I didn’t reject his authority even though I was imperfect in fulfilling duties. I am subject to his grace. God is forgiving and appreciative.

I think how in the chapter of the angels, God, or the divine voice, or whoever, describes the people in paradise receiving their bangles of gold, pearls and silk clothes, but they praise God for an everlasting life and freedom from worry and weary. That’s all we want: Peace. God is peace. Peace from him. Upon his chosen ones who bore the hardest brunt of duty to him and creation. Upon God’s righteous. And upon the rest of us.🍃

Sunday 4th January 2026 Yesterday was a screen-free day.

I took a meandering walk locally until I ended up at the new builds of the previous Springfield mental asylum. Just to think there were two in such close proximity: the one opposite the common at the end of Franciscan Road and Springfield.

I need to focus on exercise and diet and new money-making habits.

I have been thinking about other things too: the Steve Laws’ Remigration interviews; my listening to the Audible dramatisation of Austen; suicide. But right now I need to submit the BRAIS 2026 abstract before Monday.👨‍💻

Monday 5th January 2026 Went Uniqlo in evening since I realised from advice to test my wedding wear for Sunday that trousers no longer fitted. Was tired from day. Then got a Barbour Trapper hat to keep my ears warm from the Neal Yard branch.🙈

Tuesday 6th January 2026 Gym then went Mitcham to pick up father to go together by Uber to funeral of Babar Ahmad’s mother at Balham mosque. Then returned to Mitcham by bus to learn how he does his day trading. Too tired to cook back home. Had some Huel.🌊

Wednesday 7th January 2026 I need to do my taxes. Little chores throughout day tired me: picking up prescription and deliveries. I got a grey Next jumper for £9.99 from Oxfam.🦛

Thursday 8th January 2026 Spent all day in bed: listed all caliphs in notebook and made notes from Bannister’s Shadow Caliphs book for intended course. Had introductory video call with Sobanan Narenthiran in evening whose AI ethics course I intended in December.🛏️

Friday 9th January 2026 At 7am the electricity cut off. Checked fuse boxes: all switches up. Messaged local electrician who responded he was the mosque and came for 9am. By that time a message came from the power people that there had been a outage and they were solving it. But I told the electrician about two projects to fix the office lights and install an outside booster to strengthen the alley camera signal.

Picked up Ikea order of glass food containers with bamboo lids, bookends and magazine holders from Pearl chemist. As I was leaving house, AQ rang to enquire about Arabic OCR. I advised him to look up a fellow I retweeted who was working on such a project if I was not mistaken. On way to chemist, met Azum the plumber at property office on corner. I remarked on his fragrance. On way back, got three patties from Blessed Bakery (lamb, cheesy beef and jerk chicken).

In evening, attended Sheikh Amr’s wedding in West Ealing. I took photos which I will print out and annotate for my album.🫶

Saturday 10th January 2026 Must have been uneventful because I don’t remember what I did, only that I dyed my beard for Sunday. Writing this on 12th.🥱

Sunday 11th January 2026 Picked up ye olde looking leather money pouch from market’s Amazon lockers in morning. It’s really nice wearing trousers that do not pinch. Might buy some more larges from Uniqlo and put on Vinted current clothes.

Then tube to AI’s gorgeous wedding to SS at Morden Hall.

Monday 12th January 2026 Read more of Bakkar book; had video call with inheritance solictor then video call with Dr. William Barylo for advice on future (first time ever speaking with him). Then while looking at a video thumbnail of him, Dr. Haroon Sidat rings as he drives to Cambridge following my request for advice some time back.📞

Tuesday 13th January 2026 Trying to work on taxes. But days starts late. Feel tired. Ache in back and shoulder. From sleeping position and pillow arrangement? Not eating well. Became acquainted with Michael, young Italian who works at CTM coffee shop. Two kebab rolls from Dawat in evening. Call with Faraz.😖

Wednesday 14th January 2026 Went Edes & Ravenscroft with Khorrum Gilani, the antiques dealer, whom I befriended at Asad’s wedding. He was a former employee there and we got a good deal. Then we Khave Dunyasi for refreshments as the Dilly was undergoing renovations. Then we went to Faraz’s studio near Trafalgar Square since Khorrum was looking for a photographer to document the collection for one of his clients.👔

Thursday 15th January 2026 Magda came in morning. I spent the time at the gym. I realise I can listen to the audiobook while doing the steps machine. It feels indolent to live like this. Really tired when back home and got nothing done.🫩

Friday 16th January 2026 Writing this on Sunday and don’t even remember…🤨

Saturday 17th January 2026 Attended Hallaq event at Birbeck. Had lunch at Hibox with DU graduate and school teacher from Leicester. Had coffee with Faheem and Yakoob afterwards at Waterstones.🖋️

Sunday 18th January 2026 Julie came over to help me cook the honey soy chicken I saw on the chef Jack Oven’s video. I’ve put them in my new glass Ikea containers with the bamboo lids. Had video call with Dr. Haroon Sidat in-between his online classes.🎋

Monday 19th January 2026 Unremarkable; don’t remember (writing Friday 23rd January)

Tuesday 20th January 2026 Interviewed Dr. Erkki Kojonen in morning. Was supposed to have met Sobanan at British Musuem but he misunderstood date.🫣

Wednesday 21st January 2026 Tested dinner date concept. Worked well. Will keep foldable table in front room. Will try for three now. Need rug if people are to eat on floor. Need Duralex glasses and serving bowls. Served the honey garlic soy chicken thighs with rice (plus cinnamon stick, bay leaves, cardamon pods, whole black pepper, a little ghee) garnished with sesame seeds and chopped spring onions. Basic tomato and cucumber salad with sea salt, pepper, fresh lemon juice and olive oil. I had a jug of fresh mint and chopped lemon that my guest thought looked fancy even though it was so basic. Next time someone brings chocolates, I will take a few and return the rest.😃

Thursday 22nd January 2026 Met Shone after almost two years at Grounded, Aldgate East. Had veggie and vegan burgers.🍔

Friday 23rd January 2026 You live in this world like you already are in your grave: alone in the dark, unremembered. Your value is spent. You were always a liability, an inefficiency. Love will not reach you there. And yet perhaps the realm of prayers and angels are true, plausible, not impossible. That sovereign force of mysterious stature persists even through your bones. Its permanence that shaped mountains and rivers lives on. Each blade of grass creates that scene. You can smile that you made someone smile even though they will never know your name. I was important to the ever living. I was his thought. He values his thoughts. His thoughts are valuable. In my insignificance to others, there is comfort in the absence of further burdens of responsibilities. I am his valuable blade of grass, each detail nurtured as carefully as exploding galaxies that are pinpricks in our night sky.

Dinner at Gallio 7pm organised by Nadia; joined by FA, photographer, three other strangers. Spent some time at National Portrait Gallery by myself beforehand. Liked the fabric Roma portraits; liked portraits of people doing things not their primary recognised occupation; liked montages of the individual within a frame (if photographic, would still work?). Then Italian Bear after dinner.🍽️

Saturday 24th January 2026 Can’t remember.

Sunday 25th January 2026 Teacher sent a message that he wouldn’t be available for our online 9am. I actually wanted to tell him I was going to be late. I joked “Nothing to do with being newly married”. Then met SS at Natural History Museum. I hadn’t been since a child. Building stunning. But signs of neglect: like, literally the signs were worn away and illegible. T-Rex restaurant pizza (cheap cheese) was so-so. SA had falafel burger with chips. Those were nice. Ended day at Ole and Steen.😩

Monday 26th January 2026 Electrician, 20yo, 4 months in UK from Multan on student visa, put up Wifi booster in back. I advised him that he can do his namaz and roza, but he must respect the customs of the local people. And also not to fool around with white girls. Julie had to wait round until finished with him to batch cook for week. The thighs from JR looked funny. They hadn’t been deboned. Very unlike the nicer looking thighs from Tariq. Felt sick eating it in a tortilla wrap. Spat out last mouthful and threw away. Facetime with SA.🥴

Tuesday 27th January 2026 Met Dr. William Barylo and his wife for lunch at Lahore Karahi followed by tea at Arshad Khan.🫖

Wednesday 28th January 2026 Attempted a water fast. Didn’t achieve much in day. 🔫

Thursday 29th January 2026 Model day: 6am is my start - start with readings in bed while sipping coffee flask prepped night before. Excercise. Reading the Bannister book. Evening appointment. Not feeling tired that I have been so accustomed to. After God’s grace, I attribute to creatine, protein, exercise and 9pm bedtimes.🛌

Friday 30th January 2026 Ditto.🫶

Saturday 31st January 2026 Attended Dr. Yakoob Ahmed’s book launch at SOAS. Beforehand, since I was early, I had a shufti of the British Museum bookshop for research material on any future tours or creating my own books and courses. I also had a quick look at the Hawaii exhibition.

I went to SOAS SCR which I thought was empty, except when I went to fill my flask with water, from behind the unit out jumped Lubna. She was also attending the event.

Yahya Birt, the chair, I believe, deliberately avoided my raised hand for questions perhaps owing to my question for Hallaq which may have come across as bellicose and rude.

I met people I hadn’t seen for a year or more perhaps: Dr. Yusuf Choudhary, now living in Cambridge, and Salahuddin Mazhary, the journalist, and also Sofia Niazi, the artist.

Then Joe and the Juice in Brunswick with Dr Shone Surendran. While there Dr. Behar Sadirou came in with friends.

Only on the tube home did I learn from a response to my video of the prestart front setup that Faheem had been there too with his daughter. 🤠

FEBRUARY

Monday 2nd February 2026 Stayed at home working on odds and ends. AI came over in evening. ✊

Tuesday 3rd February 2026 Working on table of caliphs. 🏓

Wednesday 4th February 2026 Ditto.

Thursday 5th February 2026 Didn’t go evening class. Ordered lamb biriyani in from Royal Mahal. I think I repaired the remaining Wifi and cameras on this day or before.

Friday 6th February 2026 Dinner date. New bond forged. 🛢️

Saturday 7th February 2026 You need to expend energy to gain energy. I feel this most on weekends when I don’t have morning exercise. Perhaps on weekend mornings I should have a walk while listening to a podcast and explore unfamiliar local streets.

In the evening, instead of Uber Eats, walked to Sainsbury. Picked up £5 pizza, an aubergine deli starter, mousse and cinnamon milk, all for around £15. I got an orchid for Chloe’s birthday. Started listening to Blood Brothers podcast with Dr. Aladwan. 🍕

Sunday 8th February 2026 Sunday morning chat with Mufti Muadh Chati for AHP. ☕️

Monday 9th February 2026 Double session. J came over to cook. 🥘

Tuesday 10th February 2026 Another day. 👔

Wednesday 11th February 2026 Picked up Baer’s Ottomans book from London bought on Vinted. On way there, met SZ, the web designer. Spoke about his current work and exchanged details. J came over again to hold ladder for camera reset and help around the house. Put some more photos in album, including her deceased cat. And we chose some Ikea items for kitchen wishlist. 🎋

Thursday 12th February 2026 This prep is taking longer than anticipated….

Friday 13th February 2026 Picked up suit from Edes and Ravenscroft with KG. Then Starbucks/ Vigo that was his former offices with Islamique wooden ceilings. 🧳

Saturday 14th February 2026 ...

Sunday 15th February 2026 British Museum to see Samurai exhibition then Honest Burgers followed by Miel bakery. ❤️

Monday 16th February 2026 Still reading Maer’s Ottomans

Tuesday 17th February 2026 …

Friday 20th February 2026 Ramadan started Wednesday/Thursday.

I need to share more of my journal jotted thoughts here.

My comment on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RD0Yh8SEpmk

1. Words
2. Wider worlds (e.g., context)
3. Personal experiences
4. Connections
5. General lessons

On history and science as contexts for understanding ‘scripture’ (I know you might not like the term but allow me to use it here for ease), there can be an argument that they undermine the claims of believers of these texts not merely being the products of their time and place.

For example, the scientific miracles approach has been debunked by the people who once promoted them. Granted, such verses should be read for their moral implications instead and to inspire awe or love of the Divine, and that it can be said nothing in the Quran—read correctly—is at odds with reason or certain knowledge of the observed world.

However, some have argued that there is no independent evidence for the existence of Abraham or the Exodus, and that these should be understood as the founding legends and myths of an ancient people. I understand the likely response will be that the Quran is a linguistic miracle that has been perfectly preserved, and that alone is proof for whatever claims it makes about the past and the world around us, but those are separate positions to prove because the default position for any speech or writing is that it is man‑made.

Saturday 23rd February 2026 Cooked the Jack Oven’s Chicken Lemon Orzo for week.

Sunday 24th February 2026 IKEA haul arrived in morning via DPD: new chopping board (large and small with handle); pepper mill; metal kitchen roll holder; metal napkin holder; fancy napkins for guests.

Video call with DM. Told him about my current mindscape.

Attended IHRC Iftar event at Kenton Hall. Very villagely vibes walking up there. Acoustics kinda could be better. Last presenter, a child of holocaust survivors, had best reception. Persian food. Nice to meet old folk, some new folk, and getting to know better folk I vaguely knew before.

Monday 25th February 2026 DM said yesterday he advises his children not to think when it comes to difficult questions about faith. I found that disturbing

Started looking at Shahab Ahmed’s book on the Satanic Verses.

Tuesday 26th February 2026 Had the Ikea kitchen online meeting in morning, then SOAS academic career online workshop.

Wednesday 27th February 2026 Tested the door pull-up frame with a black belt. I’m too fat to hang.

It was dark in morning. Every morning is dark.

Went BJJ for double sessions. Then online 1-2-1 with SOAS career’s freelance Andrea Cox.

A few kind words from SS improved mood. 🏓

Thursday 28th February 2026 Eventful day…

Started 1030 with in-person conference presenting and networking workshop at SOAS by Andrea Cox. Sofia Tsourlaki was there. We larked.

Then convinced her to accompany me to Vivobare shop. I got the plainest version.

En route promoters were distributing Tim Tam biscuits.

Rang Faraz about meeting him at his studio. No response. Sent message for response in ten minutes otherwise will head to SOAS. Wandered around Covent Gardens. Faraz said, ‘Yes’.

Met him at his studio. His PT friend Dean came over. Had a banter. Gave advice about improving my hamstrings. Told him my motto for young guys, ’Stop wanking. Start lifting’. Loved it a t-shirt idea.

Then headed back to SOAS. Saw delays on Piccadilly line. Took 14 bus from outside Trocadero while listening to the 1430 online CV session by Andrea Cox too.

Met Sobohan Narenthiran at Russell Square for japes at British Musuem 1500 pre-arranged. Got lunch from the main eatery there (cos better deal and variety), and took up to Members Room. But they closed 1600. So I finished mine at foot of stairs outside gift shop exit to Samurai exhibition. Staff were announcing closure. We had until 1700 to see exhibition.

Then I showed him about SOAS. We wandered into Brunei Gallery. They had a late opening on the Thursday. Lo! the actual photographer, Jateen Lad, for the Mughal Benares exhibition was there to do tours. A few others came for that, but Sobohan and I had to leave 1815 for prebooked School of Life evening at Observatory cafe for a trial talking session.

There were 16 attendees plus host, Anna, a psychotherapist. Five were men. Two of them were white. Rest were mainly middle-aged women, most foreign-born. We were given questions to explore in pairs and swapped around for four five minutes rounds for each half. Not for me.

Then Sobohan and I went King’s Cross: him North, me South. 🕌

Friday 27th February 2026 Didn’t go BJJ. Tested new shoes to new Gails. Got a chocolate bun for £4.70. Reading Shahab Ahmed’s Satanic Verses book. Clear. Well-argued. 😈

Saturday 28th February 2026 Water fast and not much else. Finished listening to Audible dramatisation of Jane Austen's Emma. Surely, even then for your 21 year old daughter's bestie to be a 37 year old man who lived next door was kinda sus?

MARCH

Sunday 1st March 2026 Got advice that in the mornings don’t replay the past but rehearse the future because if one occurrence should coincide with your imagination, then it shows your control. Yes, I always talk of dreaming big, that imagination leads where reality follows.

Monday 2nd March 2026 More training…

Thoughts from my bedside handwritten journal:

Tuesday 3rd March 2026 Attended Andrea Cox’s Storytelling workshop at SOAS. There were two girls doing PhD at Royal Veterinary College on dog welfare. Then visited FA at his studio.

Wednesday 4th March 2026 Double session. Exhausted and dirty. I shouldn’t use YouTube to relax

Thursday 5th March 2026 Found an Etsy purchase I didn’t make in my account. Got refunded.

Walk in park. When coming back, I got myself a Passion Fruit (if I remember correctly) Mogu Mogu drink. I was sipping as I was walking back down home. One of the local mosque congregants, with whom I have a passing acquaintance, greeted me with presumably his daughter at hand from school. It was only later in the evening that it occurred to me that it was Ramadan!

Call with Farah Khan.

Friday 6th March 2026 Another double. Spent evening watching Jubilee odd one out videos.

Saturday 7th March 2026 Dr. Hamza Malik, with whom I keep infrequent contact, sent a message saying he saw me in a dream:

We were both fasting and you were telling me lots of things and making jokes and you seemed very happy. It was nice to see you

Sunday 8th March 2026 Visited parents for iftar. 🥄

Monday 9th March 2026 After double, online manuscripts workshop 1400-1530 (quite useful) care of School of Advanced Studies. 📑

Tuesday 10th March 2026 This week took a challenge for no YouTube and other person without social media. Felt like I’ve been fasting to keep weight down. Started reading Shady Nasser’s new book on the Quran and poetry. ⚖️

Wednesday 11th March 2026 Lesson learnt: book early. First session cancelled because no booking. Attended 1230-1330 with those who were ‘refugees’ from first! Cleaner came in morning and I helped her instead. 🧹

Thursday 12th March 2026 Started listening to Caroline Lucas’ England book for walks. 🚶

Friday 13th March 2026 Another double then attended Fatima Zainab Rajwani event with Lowkey at Memon Centre. Met May Ayres there. 🚜

Saturday 14th March 2026 At home all day. Listened to Jamie Bartlett Fake and Gatekeepers podcasts. 🌉

Sunday 15th March 2026 Today I took part in a BJJ competition and won a bronze. It’s not as impressive as it sounds because there were only three people in my category. However, Alhamdulillah, I did fulfil one ambition which was not to be submitted in my first fight against someone who had competed before. He won by points although I did escape his guards a few times. I then had a second fight only five minutes afterwards and was subbed quickly. I was tired out by the first, which is poor BJJ on my part because I should conserve energy. The atmosphere was friendly. I will use my shame and disappointment to do better.

I took the DLR to Cyprus. It was the furthest east of London I had ever been on public transport. I met New Zealand Dyson and a female companion with him swiping out of station too. A group of us returned home together.

I bought flowers from Sainsbury, returned home, showered, got changed, picked a rose and pistachio cake from the new Gail’s, and took bus to parents with brother’s birthday gift of some chocolates and a mini Dr. Pepper can in a gift bag with a Where’s Wally? card. 🥉

Monday 16th March 2026 Used this a rest day…

From a message I sent AU:

Is suicide not an act of bodily autonomy? If women are permitted to abort their children in the UK, why aren’t men allowed to kill themselves so long as they are not escaping responsibilities or obligations?

Myth of Sisyphus arrived in post…🪨

Tuesday 17th March 2026 I’ve told my PhD supervisor, Prof. Hugh Kennedy, to do what Prof. Ehrman has done in having a team to manage podcasts and courses. A man like that does not know how to lives without the reading and writing. If anyone is interested they should reach out to him. I am his last student. SOAS has treated him dreadfully. He is retired now but he has been allowed to keep his office (albeit forced to share - the sheer affront and indignity! although mercifully his roomie rarely uses the space) to finish a book to fulfil the university’s research output metric. 🍀

Wednesday 18th March 2026 Rang NACRO to get advice regarding DBS. Will apply for police info.
Claps in changing rooms at BJJ.
Finished last night's doner and cheese mac. With protein shake with tumeric.
🪨

Thursday 19th March 2026 In evening I was fortunate to receive a private tour of the Mughal Banaras exhibition at SOAS gallery by the photographer himself, Jateen Lad, with the company of Dr Shone Surendran. Then Shone and I had lunch at Hiba Express: falafel and halloumi wraps with chips and salad shared between us. He liked the garlic sauce in particular. Bought Ben’s Cookies for first time as gifts when next visiting parents. 🌉

Friday 20th March 2026 Was booked for double BJJ in morning but stayed in bed all day with some reading and listening. I listened to some of Peterson’s 12 Rule read by another on YouTube (via DuckDuckGo on iPad shut). Screen-free day. This was Eid. 🛏️

Saturday 21st March 2026 Attended BJJ side control seminar and session before that. Saw the Eid messages. Old electronic items I had planned to put in library bin since I thought no-one would want them sold on Vinted. Charged £1 because I couldn’t guarantee items still worked despite being expensive otherwise e.g. TP-Link devices. Not happy family dinner in evening. Nephew in US. 😞

Sunday 22nd March 2026 Thoughts from journal:

Did we have freewill before language?

Learning language, even one’s native tongue, without logic results in human words for animal grunts.

You are not loved. You are a liability.

If women are allowed to kill their children for their own inconvenience, why aren’t men allowed to kill themselves for the convenience of others? Responsible suicide is like Ottoman fratricide.

Last night I made flatbread from Greek yoghurt, flour and sea salt. I was pleased with results. This was my first time making this.

For lunch, I tried this vegan sausage roll, which I thought was part of a meal deal from Sainsbury, along with these bitesize crackers and cheese, and a Sainsbury’s Deli green juice (which wasn’t that nice). The refined carbs caused me to become sleepy. I was unable to meal prep for week ahead, so I had to do on Monday morning instead. My plan is to tidy up my appearance to make the YouTube videos and to get new headshots, including a new government ID photo.

I feel sad and lonely. My feelings are the price for curiosity and enquiry for the truth. If the Quran or the Baghavad Gita are what they claim to be, I will be guided to peace - I like to think. The editor of the Baghavad Gita I have, however, stipulated being a disciple of Krishna. These feelings may be the fault of others (an usurious amoral economy) but it is my responsibility alone to fix, to heal, to remedy, to resist, to find my inner peace despite the seeming chaos around me. There were a party (farīq) of God-committed amongst the people of Saba. Some may have perished with the burst dam but God recognised their attempt to do what was right. The Moslem peoples are tribally the most resilient to the corrosive atomisation of modernity. Their myth and legends are compelling. Their legal and ethical methods are wholesome. Being besieged forces one to turn inwards for succour. Should they feel relaxed for wider enquiry, would they enjoy such certainty about their convictions?

Monday 22nd March 2026

Tuesday 23rd March 2026 Phone call with inheritance solicitor in FA’s studio. TO classes restarted.

Wednesday 24th March 2026 Jamie Oliver’s. Photoshoot.

Thursday 25th March 2026 Resume Evening Class from before Ramadan.

Thursday 26th March 2026

Friday 27th March 2026

Saturday 28th March 2026

Sunday 29th March 2026 Day out with S. Covent Garden. National Portrait Gallery. 🖼️

Monday 30th March 2026

Tuesday 31st March 2026 Did my Zaman Books Press children YouTube video. 📹

Wednesday 1st April 2026 FH comes over. We go for walk in common. 🏞️

Thursday 2nd April 2026 I go IKEA Oxford Street to order pantry and table. I want to entertain guests at home. Then I went SOAS to print out guidelines to convert MA dissertation to article. So much unpaid labour. I hole it doesn’t get rejected. Was survived a weekly travelcard was over £50. Expecting my student travelcard in post. Then evening lesson. 🖨️

Friday 3rd April 2026 Went to eldest sister’s for lunch. My second sister there. We went for walk on Wandsworth Common. Saw last part of Sister Act with them once back. Then bus home. 🚶‍♀️

Saturday 4th April 2026 As a servant of the king’s King, I behave as a good subject of the king, a servant of the King.

Communities self-regulate selfish behaviour. From Usborne’s Economics for Beginners.

Sunday 5th April 2026 Monday 6th April 2026 Went British Museum’s Samurai exhibition with a mate. Explored streets adjacent to GOSH. Loved Lamb Conduit Street. Iced coffee at Kozzy cafe. Walked all the way to London Bridge station for final goodbyes. 🤹

Tuesday 7th April 2026 Very little done in day… 🙁

Wednesday 8th April 2026 I feel like a slug sliding by…

Cleaner came around…

Dressed to go BJJ but didn’t.

Went for a walk around the common.

Saw neighbour with workman measuring up to install gate. He even said I was fat. 🫃

Thursday 9th April 2026 When I came back from gym felt very tired…

I thought GP call was today; actually, 16th…

Went into Sainsbury’s next door to gym to get a meal deal; didn’t look forward to another Huel meal with tuna, but didn’t buy anything ‘cos money innit. Had shake. Should have eaten. Ruined day. I could have bought it. It wouldn’t have been big deal.

Alone. No one is going to help you.

You can pray to God but he won’t hang up your laundry.

Unwashed dishes in sink.

I feel so tired. So pathetic. So worthless. Why do I bother? No-one cares. I don’t make a difference. 😣

Friday 10th April 2026 Finished Ikigai book got from exhibition shop. Now reading Psychology of Money… 💰

Saturday 11th April 2026 KG came to help install IKEA pantry and table that arrived yesterday. Realised I should buy electric screwdriver to make easier.

I would translate “Oh you who believe” in the Quran as “You who are truly devoted”.

Worse than romantic rejection is being ghosted by missionaries.

Sunday 12th April 2026 Well, would you believe, JWs visited me in the morning. Reuben, his wife, Ayesha, and their two small girls. I told them how Philip ghosted me, but Reuben explained that he was moving at the time. We exchanged numbers. And writing this on the 18th, he still has not responded. 👻

Monday 13th April 2026 I’ve started commuting to SOAS DS now. It feels good to do that. I’m sustaining myself on Tesco Meal Deals with the added Clubcard discount.

IT guy was shirty. In hindsight, I think it was because I didn’t use wait system which only become more manifest a next day. 🥪

Tuesday 14th April 2026 Told my Eduroam connection problem will now be solved at the end of the week when I was told yesterday that it would be end of Monday or Tuesday. 🧑‍💻

Wednesday 15th April 2026 Met with BS at end of day. Saw NA leaving as I was heading to main building. We went Bexy’s in Brunswick Centre. Told him I need to come out about something and that he may not be happy what I have to say… 📤

Thursday 16th April 2026 Went to see FA at his studio. I thought I would use Thursday for ‘Domestic-Related tasks’. However, his posh Pakistani friend gave him last minute notice that he was passing by. 🧹

Friday 17th April 2026 Double BJJ killed me. Didn’t help Prof. H made me roll with him inbetween. I think I will bring some raisins as a snack. 😫

Saturday 18th April 2026 BA’s father’s funeral at Balham. Met people I hadn’t seen for almost 20 years. Father and I had lunch at Lahore Karahi after making enquiries at Dawat regarding time for Mr. Ansari’s funeral on Monday. Then home to hang up laundry.

Experimented with frying thinly sliced tofu in olive oil with sea salt, and some with a bit of ground pepper or paprika. Nice. Can work with this. 🧂

Sunday 19th April 2026 Made veg tagine. 🫑

Monday 20th April 2026 Gym, then Mr. Ansari’s funeral at Gatton, co-owner of Dawat restaurant. Then DS for MM to help me figure out how to update PHP and then Wordpress. We updated PHP but couldn’t with Wordpress. And despite contacting support, easiest thing was to delete the personal site since so little content on it. 🖥️

Tuesday 21st April 2026 To FA. Helped him move studio to smaller room in the building. Tube strikes but still managed to get home okay. 💺

Wednesday 22nd April 2026 Phone call in evening with LC, nutritionist, about consultation and cooking lessons. House in mess. 🥦

Thursday 23rd April 2026 Words do not change reality, only God’s words change reality. Our ought to conform to reality. To do so, we must express our degree of certainty and their sources to distinguish between speculative statements and assertions of examined conclusions.

A healthy flourishing human collective is founded on reality and nature. Strength and efficiency are not sufficient for eudamonic growth.

AB plumbing in morning. Defeated by Ikea furniture in evening. DK and K come over from Devon before flight tomorrow to Warsaw. We had a jolly at Royal Mahal. 🥘

Friday 24th April 2026 AB came over again for lunch from Dawat to complete the pantry. 🪴

Saturday 25th April 2026 Should be doing my cooking now...

https://tantaman.com/2026-04-06-civilizational-texts.html GRHAPTISA-HOEWAGmaxxing

I’m khudimaxxing. 💥

Sunday 26th April 2026 I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not clever. I couldn’t do a Kasurian.

It’s not that I don’t meet ‘standards of academia’ - I’m an OA and got a first and distinction for BA and MA respectively - the standards are not all that for non-elite unis - but you don’t need to attend unis - it’s about merits of arguments - a simple guy with the right questions and a conscience is usually better than most UGs.

👨‍💼

Monday 27th April 2026 Visited FA at studio. Joined me for call to II. Visited his new flat. Passed by a bakery whose owner had lived in Lebanon for ten years. Some features still preserved from 1930s like court clock. Part of old Middlesex hospital. Unhappy video call with S.

I say I need another digital detox from X but how else be in touch with Kasurian and SAIF.

🧹 Tuesday 28th April 2026

Video call with AU in Cairo after a long time to discuss Quran issues.

📺

Wednesday 29th April 2026 Met AA at a nice café outdoor in nice weather local to him to discuss the Quran issues.

GRHAPTISA+ HOEWAG can be secondhand online. Others, support brick and mortar bookshops. Like those one pot/ one tray vegan cookbooks I got from Waterstones yesterday.

Met with BS, HS and CB end of day at DS for camomile. Also, saw AL. Came out to BS.

🌤️ Thursday 30th April 2026 Khudimaxxing asabiyacels

I walk with the Peace from the Peace to the Peace with the Peace.

The Peace is always there. Sometimes I become temporarily blind or deaf from environmental shocks. Once I calm down, I realise the Peace is always there.

I am a lamb to a lion. I am the flower when crushed still smells sweet.

I must cultivate virtues and rid myself of vices to flourish as a fruitful tree.

Friday 1st May 2026 Went out with FA to Hyde Park in evening. Lovely. On way back to his home via back streets, met lads promoting their drink Ademo Fruits with shot glasses at stall there.

Earlier at BJJ, KK said philosophical men like me are the ones who should have children after mentioning fears of responsibility instead of feckless.

The ineffable inevitably requires imagination to make sense of it.

😊

Saturday 2nd May 2026 Expect short-term volatility with long-term optimism. 64:9-11

Notice how even with surrender to the divine, one will still make mistakes and encounter hardship. However, that light will make the momentary darkness bearable, and perhaps a source of inspiration for something beautiful; melancholy is to make sadness beautiful, to make pain beautiful, to make regret beautiful. The beauty will persist long after the sadness has passed. You will inspire other others.

The universe is rigged to return generosity. Smile, and stranger smiles back. Sometimes, the return may not be immediate. But the Ultimate will not be undermined by the giving of his subjects. The Ultimate will show itself to be the greatest source of good. Keep giving. The Ultimate will not be rivaled in love, beauty, kindness, charity, hospitality and generosity. Oh, my Master I challenge thee in love.

Experimented with a vegan one pot recipe. It had 200g couscous, 200g frozen peas, 200g smoked tofu (although the package I bought in Sainsbury’s was 225g), two spring onions, lemon zest, chopped parsley, and 400ml water along with 2 tablespoons of olive oil. It turned up very nice and I had some the next day for breakfast.

In afternoon, I attended the BJJ graduation and was promoted to blue belt.

💙

Sunday 3rd May 2026

Walk with YA. Came out to him.

🚶‍♂️

Monday 4th May 2026

Met SS at Regents Park. She made clear it wasn’t working but not clear to me why apart from being different. I tried to suggest solutions but she wasn’t interested, it seemed. I respected her decision but she seemed unsatisfied even with that.

We went Bleecker for lunch. First time trying.

Tuesday 5th May 2026 Massage with Liz 9am at gym. She removed cricks from my neck.

Went parents in morning for father to show me his method to buy and sell shares. Sold Vodafone and bought Lloyds. It’s painful to watch his old age. The way he prints out each transaction. The way if an anomaly occurs, how he wouldn’t understand why and how to solve, like when I logged into his computer for my account resulting in his automated login to disappear when he wanted to use. I’m scared of the vulnerabilities of old age. For them and me. No trust for strangers around us. Solutions? Build relationships. First steps? Say ‘hello’, converse. Attempt to find common terms. Give first.

Then at noon we went by bus to Tooting for his optician appointment and I picked up my SGHMS library card.

👨‍🌾

Wednesday 6th May 2026 Blood test at GP morning, gym, class 7pm (changed from Thursday).

Went into the workspace early to work on a application but I found the place quite noisy, and it can be difficult to work in an unaccustomed place.

😕

Thursday 7th May 2026

Naming is an act of power. Think God telling Adam the names of things. Think how colonialists rename local places and so on.

Attended Project Management online course by Dr Holly Prescott. Useful. Well presented. I like her grift and aim to emulate. Interview-driven blog posts turned book.

Then Dr Joseph Ford cover letter class which Holly also put a comment in chat and I asked are you same person.

📟

Friday 8th May 2026 Being happy or sad is like being hot or cold. Despite your not being at fault, it is within your responsibility to use a fan or put on a jumper.

Went SOAS in afternoon after BJJ to attend Zoom session by Dr. Serena Sharma on dealing with setbacks in academia. There were eight participants in total.

Afterwards met Dr. David Coolidge at Gaia café opposite the British Museum. We then met up with BS and HS. We had planned to meet up anyway for our diet day off, so I asked DC to tag along. We went Smoke & Pepper. Our first time, and it wasn’t bad. DC had a Spice It Up burgers with fries and a “Cuddles on the Beach” mocktail.

DC took a Uber back to his hotel. DC went to Euston, and HS and I took his normal bus journey to Waterloo, which I might start doing because it seemed faster, but perhaps that was because it was already 8pm.

I had contacted DC last week saying I liked his work on Hinduism that I had seen him post about on Facebook. He replied saying he was in London on Friday and sent me his number.

🍔

Saturday 9th May 2026

Watch out for the forthcoming Dark Akhīdemia ring of Iqbal Nasim, Mustafa Warsi, Jacob Williams and the Kasurian mandem

🌚

Sunday 10th May 2026 - Friday 15th May 2026

Week up North

𐌮

Saturday 16th May 2026 Lunch with eldest sister at Le Bab, Battersea Power Station then Sharghzadeh event at Kismet Café in evening. Met a chap from Hastings who had been teaching English in Korea for four years. There were only four copies of Sharghzadeh’s book owing to baggage limitation. We were able to grab them but he didn’t have cash. I lent him and he repaid on Monzo. We went to Embankment together afterwards.

🇮🇷

Sunday 17th May 2026 After lesson, I don’t remember the day...

🧂

Monday 18th May 2026 Don’t remember…

🙄

Tuesday 19th May 2026 PhD Town Hall meeting online regarding new UNU AI unit on DS second floor…

I need to exercise again…

Exeter job app deadline 31st. Viva June 17th. Should be preparing…

Reading the Sami Ameri Prophethood book…not convincing…hadith methodologies? Catholic mass reported miracles? Also reading Carr and making notes here...

The first couple of days with a missing leg is distressing. However, after awhile you get accustomed to it.

Wednesday 20th May 2026 What happened…

⚫️

Thursday 21st May 2026 Nothing again...

🖤

Friday 22nd May 2026 I don’t think it will be possible, can it? Does it happen? Falling in love is for the young. I have lost that opportunity. Going to a third world country makes me look creepy and pathetic.

I didn’t go BJJ today. I said to myself I would. Once I get back to gym/BJJ routine, I will feel better.

I have to accept that I will be alone in the crowds. No-one is interested in me. No messages but spam.

I will go to Regents Park tomorrow. I have to accept this is the way it is likely to be. I am too to be with someone, too , too , not conventional. I have lost by time. I have lost by disposition. I have lost by questions. I have lost by conclusions. I deserve to die. I need to die. I shouldn’t pass this on. This is a good thing by nature. I am always speaking about sacrificing self-interest for the greater good. My death is a good thing. I am worthless. I am pointless. I have nothing to give. No-one wants me. I have nothing to offer. What is the point of staying alive? I have no talent in demand.

Give house to Ismail in will. Finish what needs to be done. No point applying for postdoc. See local solicitor to arrange that. Tidy up house. Varnish new table in kitchen.

Use the pull-up frame on door. Use a belt. Tie well one end. Ensure it is looped in buckle. Use towel like Lyle Stevik to ensure comfortable around neck. It will be uncomfortable. It will hurt. Your body will fight back.

Death is the mercy. It’s self-infliction is courage. There is nothing to fear. Your body shivers in the cold and sweats in the heat. Ignore your body. Heed your mind. In its calmness, you have a gateway to peace.

Source: Ali Haider, Facebook

Saturday 23rd May 2026 Too hot to go outside. Went Sainsbury to get ingredients for a Rumika Iyer one tray quiche. Couldn’t find gorgonzola so got Cambozola instead.

I just have to deal with the sadness and loneliness like this…

Think my way out…

With God’s grace…

Let me resume reading the Ameri - ain’t feeling it, but gave it a chance…

Thereafter just TSOL stuff to be solid inside…

It’s not sadness, it’s melancholy…makes it sound more classy…

I know it’s not the done thing to expose your vulnerabilities to those who wish you harm…

I know you’re reading or recording this…

But it’s me thinking out aloud…

It will help them too…

I am ultimately the artist, the fool…

I am your safety valve…

Your bodhisattva…

I explore the no-man land of the interior you are too scared to explore…

I tame the tribes there…

I kill the beasts there…

Because adventure, curiosity...

Will keep me alive…

If I am violated, God/Karma/Nature/History will protect…

The psychic disharmony of the oppression will haunt them…

Their children will be cursed with it if they don’t repent and make amends…

“God”! I only have thee!

In this loneliness, in this sadnessmelancholy, God is the Constant, the Permanence, the Ground. It will be because It Will Be as It Was as It Is…Yes, I feel pain, distress; but…nothing happens despite it. I have had happy moments too. I don’t know what is good or bad for me. When there is no more pain or happiness…only Being…that is Nirvana…God’s saints are helping me to get there, God’s angels are helping me to get there, God is helping me to get there…I will get there eventually. I must dismiss Pleasure as a shadow of God to overcome the illusion of pain. It’s neither Pleasure nor the absence of pain I seek but the stoic Nirvanic fana of ego to be courageously and confidently and compassionately indifferent to the material world in service of those who still seek pleasure and the absence of pain.

Suicide is the sleep I need. Trying to stay alive is tahajjud then…

What is the struggle? The struggle isn’t between choosing life and death. The struggle is to do what is right, wise and good. Choosing life might be the right thing to do and choosing death might be the right thing to do. With death, I am no longer liability and I am safe from vulnerability. With life, I can serve others, but if I get old without any help then I’m a liability and vulnerable, and who would want to live like that? With the quality of indifference to life and death, perhaps I am at my most powerful? If I can achieve indifference to suffering and confidence in justice as the ultimate outcome of history, then I can be indifferent to life and death, in which case I can choose life to serve others, and be unaffected by old age, loneliness, and vulnerability.

😩

Sunday 24th May 2026 If I value my freedom, I must accept loneliness.

Every good thing on Earth has a dark side.

I need to keep my mouth shut and read more.

It’s a struggle to be fulfilled. You can say the point is to fulfil duty. But joy comes with a struggle. You can say duty will be rewarded with other worldly joy. That’s what you have to cling on to. It’s not an impossibility. It’s not immediately true. There are arguments for it. In any case, life without duty fulfilled is worse, so this life is about choosing the lesser of two evils. And joy must be awaited in the hereafter.

Is it really worth living if Life is just a choice between the lesser of two evils? It is said that duty fulfilled is rewarded with joy in the hereafter.

Finding joy doesn’t seem to have a formula. Although, I think when I get back to exercising these thoughts will be different.

How would I bring up a child? It’s such a big responsibility that’s why I don’t like the idea of it.

Had I been better convinced of the apologist arguments, then I would have had a template of sort.

Live like a child again. A world without phones except for phone calls. No social media. Reading and radio. Writing. Scrap books. Finessing verse.

I think the days of meeting friends are over. I can do meet ups of strangers. Perhaps some of them can become friends.

Possible suicide idea: go to a Third World country and pay locals to shoot you dead.

It’s the expectations and not the absence that causes the pain. Eliminate the expectations, eliminate the pain. Do not expect friends, eliminate the pain of friendlessness.

Of course, hunger causes pain. No amount of psychology can eliminate hunger.

But it can be argued that the analogy between loneliness and hunger is invalid.

Hunger is physical. Loneliness is psychological. Therefore, there is no point of similarity between hunger and loneliness in the pain they course.

Perhaps we can think of loneliness as degrees. There is a loneliness which is of a lesser degree than another type of loneliness. Perhaps we can say waiting for friends alone at a train station is a lesser degree of loneliness. And that the minor pain, if it can even be called pain, is not important. On the other hand, the loneliness caused by friends passing away during old age, is of a greater degree and perhaps like hunger deserves external help.

Perhaps like fasting pain is essential to the process. Perhaps pain is required to be virtuous. To be uncomplaining during the greater degree of loneliness is virtuous.

And that virtue will be rewarded in the hereafter.

It comes back to this idea that nothing happens without the “will” of necessary being.

Of course, it can be argued that it is the duty of the wider community to alleviate hunger from those who do not possess the means to do so by themselves. However, just as the pursuit of justice can be seen as a social obligation, there are Times when in its wait one has to be patient.

I need to be someone that people are naturally attracted to. That’s the only solution to loneliness.

Monday 25th May 2026 Nice visit of parents. We sat on chairs in the shade in the garden. Eldest sister and her husband, and my and my nephew all there. Obviously, brother wasn’t there but he had gifted some loose tea from Norway for eldest sister.

Tuesday 26th May 2026 Hottest day since records began. Can barely move.

Wednesday 27th May 2026 Eid al-Adha today

concern. From SQ on Ahzab.

Not celebrating, but at least I’m reading the Quran, [slanted smile].

I have to take life minute by minute. Be present with the ever present, that’s how I will overcome fear for the future.

I find it interesting that she didn’t just accept it as an imperative.

Remembering God is more than just repeating a word with one’s tongue. Remembering God is what motivates action. Remembering God is what makes one feel secure and serene. When one doesn’t feel secure and serene, it means one has straight outside of God‘s vast garden, perhaps. It might not be healthy to always attribute an absence of feeling secure and serene to wrongdoing. Being tired is normal. Working and being tired is normal. It is normal while working to feel tired. But God will compensate his work well when they have finished. And it will all feel worthwhile. I hope that’s the case.

I am not nearer to completing my goals for this year. I had hoped the period in between my submission and viva that I would prepare a course, and convert my dissertation into an article. But I don’t feel all that work really serves a profitable end. I’m better off reading self-help books.

Being employed, or working, feels like playing an act for eight hours. But remember that you are doing this as an act of obedience to God in maintaining one’s life independent of others. Do it with a view of fulfilling the needs you provide for others.

I have a routine of a personal prayer to God when I wake up, I should do one before I go to sleep too.

It can feel l have lost love forever.

I am happier serving other people. I am no Alain de Botton or Simon Critchley. I just want to be a reasonably paid waiter or shop clerk with reasonable conditions helping customers try new shoes and answer their queries. I don’t need to think too much about the job. I devote mental energy to big questions and projects on the weekends. Is that true? I feel sad again. I think this is unfair:

If I practise hanging more often I will overcome the shortcomings. My feet still reach the floor. I need to use more of the slack on the belt. Let me get this stupid PhD out of the way.

I can use Which for the will.

I just don’t feel good about any potential leads for optimism and hope. I’ve been disappointed too many times. That’s the not reason I want to kill my self. I want to kill myself because I just don’t see any point of living. I have no debts and dependents. I offer no value to the world. What’s the point?

You can argue: Necessary Being gave you the gift of life. “Gave”? “Gift”? It doesn’t feel good to question that. But it doesn’t add up.

Reading and learning makes it nice. Nice being the feeling of a phallus rubbed. But professionalising learning makes it ugly. A bit like prostitution, I guess.

Let me have a shower and get changed. Go to SOAS to do viva prep. Print out. Print Viva prep questions and write answers.

Sod that postdoc app.

Went parents in evening for dinner. Roast lamb leg with potatoes. Nice.

Thursday 28th May 2026 Met NT. She’s having her viva tomorrow. Went through her slides at Gaia cafe opposite British Musuem. Then picked up her printed thesis from, Holbon then chatted outside Senate House benches. Weirdly, ZS was passing by and introduced them.

Bought quiche ingredients on way back.

Friday 29th May 2026 Little done at home. Attended SERA online seminar with Shone and a Bengali researcher, Tinni, on “Hindu” philosophers. They seemed to be justifying a castecism that allowed social mobility based upon a non-dualist understanding of reality which sounded similar in my ears to the concept that each man has one specific role in life as mentioned in Plato’s Republic.

Met Faraz 5pm Oxford Circus. Tried my first cigar in Hyde Park. Didn't like it. Walked through back streets of Mayfair. Had dinner at On Tikka. Very nice new well-priced business. Chatted with owner. There some folk there from India who were also trying to do business with him. They had showed him a brownie that they had.

Saturday 30th May 2026

SQ emphasises the human quality of the prophet so that people can relate to him.

Feelings and inclinations are to be refined not repressed.

The Prophet showed his love of his wives by not giving them what they wanted, but by raising them to the level of what God wanted from them.

God and his prophet do not test to see people fail but to help people know their level and to what they can realistically aspire. That seems to me the most generous portrayal of this concept of divine trials. I was reading about the epic hero yesterday. We need the humility to know that good people can fail too. God is the ultimate judge.

This reminds me of Shahab Ahmed in his book on the satanic verses.

SQ the lifelong bachelor was a sensitive young man, with too a heightened romantic inclination for a suitable match in this life:

The status is by manifesting godliness.

Modesty has its own refined beauty.

Worship is the reverence of God. It is to show gratitude, awe, love, and other such human feelings towards the powerful, the beautiful, the generous, the sublime, the exalted. We experience those feelings when encountering those aspects in a partial manner, such as a nature, or witnessing kindness amongst men, even sportsmanship, and such like. These partial aspects point to an absolute embodiment of these values, it has been argued.

Worship is not divorced from moral and social behaviour.

Impurities are part of the human creature. He cannot eliminate them in their totality. Instead, he must regularly purify himself and take precautions. Impurities are not the totality of a person unless is heedless and neglectful.

Listened to Cole Porter during my walk.

Sunday 31st May 2026

Can there be an excess with logic? Is that an absence of love? What is the relationship between logic and love?

Spoke on phone with AU about the rational feeling about my own suicide.

Attended AI and SS walima. Took Uber back with US, and had a drink and chat at Arshad Khan cafe.

Monday 1st June 2026 First day of photo training with FA. 📸

Tuesday 2nd June 2026 Don’t seek happiness. Instead, find equanimity and joy by doing what is right, wise and beautiful. Happiness is sunshine. It has its moments but at times rain is required for growth. A farmer at times feels joy seeing the rain on his dry land. Recognise beauty around you and share it with others. Beauty is naturally framed, proportional and lined. It is the footballer refusing the penalty awarded because he knows he wasn’t fouled, as much as it is a landscape shaped by time and nature. The footballer could have found a pleasure or happiness in scoring that penalty, but joy and equanimity in knowing it was undeserved. There is joy in overcoming a struggle. The ultimate struggle is to arrive at a destination after a difficult journey when it could be so easy to give up, return, deviate. The ultimate destination is the singularity of every virtue. There is then only its Joy, Peace and Equanimity. That moment comes when we no longer resist virtue for a want from the ego, the counter-singularity, the anti-singularity. We have to align the multiplicity into a singularity like a jigsaw puzzle.

Right now my life feels like a jumbled pile of jigsaw pieces. I must align the borders first. That is what they call “Islam”. Then arrange the similar pieces into clusters. That is what they call “Iman”. Then see the whole picture, that is what they call “ihsan”.

The basic principles of wisdom is to treat others as they would like to be treated, which is how you would like to be treated: preferred names, respect, and so on.

The issue of pronouns is tricky. On the one hand, it is a form of respect. On the other, it is an epistemological imposition. It is to be judged situation by situation.

Based upon what I am reading in TSOL’s On Being Nice (presumably by Alain de Botton), the more fallible you see another, the warmer you are; the more ideal, the colder. To experience personal joy, I must celebrate my fallibility as a gift from God - the jigsaw puzzle to bring joy must be broken and jumbled in the beginning. Bit by bit, I am completing this puzzle. I’ve got the frame (being rational; Kreeft’s Socratic Logic; then with Adler and Covey, I can complete the rest by clustering parts, and then through trial and error slotting them in one by one. The complete jigsaw will still be a pixel to whole picture. The Movie Director in the Sky we all meet when he announces ‘cut!’ will reward us as stars only are and together we will watch the move of his creation upon thrones handed goblets of wines by immortal youths glittering like pearls.

I hate the experience of being alive, but we alleviate the pain by putting it in context, by being philosophical about it. The pain of not being punched during training is worse than never attempting physical excellence. Excellence requires doing; doing results in failures. The doing, ‘fighting’, makes the ‘fighter’. A failed fighter is better than a non-fighter. The most profound context is that of the Ultimate itself, that which exceeds life and death, wealth and want. The Ultimates brackets our existence. He is the shelf upon which exists the book of our life. He is the Librarian. He has stacked, sorted and shelved our existence. Our tragic lives are followed by stories of comedic endings. We exist as stones of different shapes and sizes, colours and textures, threaded by being. Our sad, dejected teardrops decorates like obsidian her throat. It had to be for Beauty to inherit the earth and reign supreme. We will join her in redemption, joy and rewards to laugh and sigh at the stories that once played on the stage of life.

Sadness reigns on earth. Disappointment limps with her cane.

I am sad at every possibility that never flowered.

At least, I planted. The sun shone too hard. The rain fell too hard. The wind blew too hard.

I have to plant again under a roof, with reserves, with solid foundations.

I don’t know right now what that roof is, what those reserves are, what those foundations look like.

The empty smile of possibility passed is a seed in a sad heart.

After winter, spring will come.

These are seasons of an earth that spins.

We have to remain philosophical, rational.

We have to remind ourselves of the Ultimate and remain wise and gracious.

The Ultimate is the end, everything else is a means.

Love is but a means to the Ultimate.

And the Ultimate is reached by many paths.

Starvation and death is a shortcut to the Ultimate.

Suicide is a shortcut to the Ultimate? Is my life a gift or an inconvenience? If it is an inconvenience for me, then it must be an inconvenience to others? That is not a wholesome thought.

How much more sadness? It only takes one drop to spoil the barrel.

Straighten up, put the gum shield back in.

The Ultimate has decided the future. The book has been written. Our freedom is an illusion but exercise it responsibly we must.

Going through life with no-one willing to commit in marriage to you is a terrible feeling of worthlessness, failure and disgust at oneself. That one is so off-putting makes one feel ashamed not just for oneself but for the disrepute it may bring one’s family too: why is their son or brother still alone? what is wrong with him that no woman feels excitement, joy or longing to be with him? Of course, his problem is his problem. His family is not responsible no at fault for having an unpleasant relative.

You haven’t found the right person. We live as tribes of one, individualistic, unique. What can we hold in common with others besides breathing?

It doesn’t help if a man nearing 50 is not materially flourishing. This leaves open the exploration of a third world option. But one shudders at the thoughts this only reinforces the reputation as a failure.

If a man is considered so disgusting to perpetuate life with, isn’t it better for that man to simply kill himself? He will become a liability in old age without children to look after him, especially if his lack of material flourishing is the reason for his being disgusting to procreate with. Poor, ugly people are unworthy of living unless they stop being poor, and stop being ugly.

It’s not being poor and ugly per se that makes one unworthy of marriage. Those terms are relative, right. If a woman finds said man capable of fulfilling his needs, then that’s OK for him. Think of Godfrey Baguma.

However, there is a taboo for a man to have too large a gap with a woman of child bearing age. Women can still have a 50% or more chance of having children at 40 years old. People live longer and healthier lives in the developed world.

All you can do is just keep trying…continue to experience the humiliation of rejection, mitigate it by being philosophical, keep your eye on the Ultimate End.

I just want to put a plastic bag on my head this time, belt around neck, hoisted higher on the pull-up frame, and step off the stool. Yes, it is better not to be an inconvenience to my parents, but it is not as if I add much value to their existence. I’m quite an embarrassment compared to peers. But if I wait until they both die first, then maybe I will philosophise my way out of this. I have to put the house for nephew in will. And just tie up loose ends.

The thing is, if this is right for me, it has to be right for others, and that doesn’t feel right.

What would I say to someone in a similar situation to me? Keep trying, fail, recalibrate, keep an eye on goal and context. Don’t tie worth into one thing.

It seems all marriage is, is that if a woman gets pregnant, the man has committed to look after the baby. It doesn’t require faff.

But I do think someone like me specifically is better off dead. I know who I am more than I can know someone else, or anyone else can know me. I mean, you can say God knows me best and that he has prohibited me from killing myself without good cause.

It’s horrible to be alone: yes, I can help others, but there is a specific type of loneliness which feels so shameful and embarrassing that can only be alleviated with marriage, that all these other good things can never alleviate. You can dampen the pain, but you can’t eliminate the root. Life is a series of pains. Married couples argue, fight, divorce, fuck up the lives of their children.

Pain, sadness, disappointment are all inevitable regardless of what you do.

You can pull out the root with chemical castration. But the older you get, the more pointless that becomes. I should have done that a long time ago. I should have killed myself a long time ago. Has anything happened since then to show why that wouldn’t have been the right thing to do?

God wants me to suffer for some greater good. I still have yet to complete the jigsaw. Once I complete the jigsaw, it will all make sense. Until then, I have to at the minimum not complain about suffering. It makes you look weak and pathetic, and compounds whatever sense of self-disgust you feel. God tests those he loves, they say. Oh well, these suicidal feelings are the result of God’s love for me…

I will reach God by rationalising suicide but never doing it…

I mean, that assumes the Shariah pronouncement is really this Necessary Being’s actual injunction rather than the conclusion of fallible men like me…

I feel suicidal because God loves me…

Killing myself still feels like the right thing to do…

I really don’t see any worth in continuing…

I’ve tied myself into obligations with other people…I am procrastinating suicide…I guess that’s all we can do…procrastinate suicide because of obligations to others…

The self-disgust persists…the self-disgust will persist until a woman loves me…maybe that bar is too high…a woman commits to be being with me for reciprocal obligations of marriage…of course, she has the right to divorce…so the removal of self-disgust cannot be conditional on external matters…the removal of self-disgust has to result from an intrinsic move…

Is it wrong to feel self-disgust? Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no. When yes? When no? Yes, if justified. When justified? If someone has done something wrong, self-disgust is justified. Have I done something wrong? Perhaps. What is it? Not sure. You are feeling self-disgust without identifying the wrong you have done. In this case, your self-disgust is unjustified. So why do I feel self-disgust? Is it self-disgust I feel? Is self-disgust sufficient grounds for suicide?

Goal, context… Ultimate, incomplete jigsaw puzzle…

I feel self-disgust because a primordial human need is unmet owing to my not possessing qualities that will make me desirable to a mate. Can you change that? Yes. How? Have a means of making more money. Be a warmer person. Be in places to meet potentials.

Certain basic human needs like hunger, shelter etc need to be fulfilled so one can be rational to know the Ultimate.

God loves me that is why he has made me suicidal so I can teach others how to live...

Wednesday 3rd June 2026 Met A Al-K at DS.

Optimism to the unaccustomed makes one giddy. The saints are equanimous rain or shine. They do not flinch. Perhaps.

The flowers open up in the sun and close in the cold.

The body shivers in the cold and sweats in the heat.

The heart expands with ease and shrinks with pain.

The soul rises with virtue and sinks with degradation.

All lie in God’s palm for him to as he wishes.

The mind must stay focused on him: rain or shine, shivering or sweating, rising or falling.

AU sent in post the Matt Haig book.

Thursday 4th June 2026

We are not in need of improvement.
We are in need of love.

Our imperfections are part of our perfection to God.

The closer we get to him,
the further he feels

The further he feels,
the more we reach out to him

He is always here
Hidden in plain sight
Why does he feel so far away?
Because we don’t pause to see him.

A prayer in the morning,
A prayer at night.

He, She or It? Us or They? I or We?

He…I mean, We…I mean…

In the jumble,
the jigsaw pieces only promise a complete picture

I find it hard to trust anymore

In the imperfect cracks,
he has seeped through

I am a jigsaw piece

I try to find my mate

I try to find my family and friends

Together we are

To be at One
is to be at peace
no longer a piece
To be done.

Sadness is a jigsaw piece without a mate.

It’s important to have female friends.
Plain looking girls will be happy at the attention and they will introduce you to their prettier friends.

Always play for plausible deniability.

I like reading self-help books, because that’s what I need: help, and there is no-one to give it to me.

When Abū Ḥātim in the Harawī story says, “Whoever isn’t a Ḥanbalī, isn’t even a Muslim”, that could be understood as a response to Ismaili counter trend that prevailed.

• Completed task
• Incomplete task
• Another todo

*This won't be italic*

Visit my site Visit my blog

1. First item
   • Nested bullet
   • Another nested
2. Second item

Term : Definition of the term

When I look at Whatsapp before my designated 6pm without just reason, I feel dirty.

Italian Bear with NT. 4.30pm chatting until 7.30pm. Journey home bit of a faff but nor enormously. Went Elephant and Castle seeing on Citymapper and TFL Go that the Northern line was on, but saw gates shut after I arrived. Hadn’t realised Waterloo was walking distance within complex, took train to Earlsfield then bus. BS rang en route, M&S and home same time as him. Now a Hajji.

Friday 5th June 2026 Got voicemail from Prof. Tom that someone at club had made formal complaint against me about sparring on Graduation Day. Rang him. He kinda shared my disappointment and disbelief.

Passed by the UCL Libertarian Society meetup in Gordon Square on Henry Nowak. About 15 or so people there. So this is what those people from Twitter and Reddit look like in real life.

God made that jigsaw. He dumped the pieces in front of us. And he’s ultimately putting it together for us, with us, it’s us.

To decouple from pain - it’s sweet
To hold onto it, is to to hold onto a poo
Let pain point to the solution
Let the prick of the thorn
remind you of the rose\

Yeh, keep positive
Yeh, don’t complain
it will make you look weaker
just keep doing what has to be done to get there
meet with mates to get the energy
to troubleshoot - yeh

I really love these images. Don’t know why. I know they’re bad.

Dinner with FA in evening at a Jamaican place in Camden. Then Mowchi. His local Bengali mate from SOAS who also studied law came joined us there for a walk home.

Saturday 6th June 2026 Went DS to do more prep for viva. Ordered in Uber Eats. First time. Building empty. But two on third floor. Met FA and went to a pasta place. Then his place for dessert. We have both decided today is the last of eating out and to focus on diet and budget.

Sunday 7th June 2026

Ultimate test of successful social skills is being able to have a pleasant conversation with a strange child.

True cosmopolitan minds find commonalities to unite strangers.

Nothing stranger to an adult than a small human being who has only been on earth for a few years and does not know how to speak about the weather or politics.

The socially adept know that we all contain, even if in trace amounts, all human possibilities within us, from which they can draw empathy with the timid and the confident, the frightened and the bold.

These are the NHS doctors whose advice I pay attention to on nutrition and diet. https://www.drkaranrajan.com/ https://www.thedoctorskitchen.com/ https://www.drhazelwallace.co.uk/

Some thoughts I shared with FA after he sent me a video on composition:

Started Cicero’s The Nature of the Gods (McGregor).

Apparently he approved of Caesar’s assassination. Khawarij, then. But past heroes also protected the state, like Tarquinius Superbus. But Anthony turned out worse.

He was also initiated into the Eleusinian Mysteries despite being enthralled by Academy philosophy.

He was reading Euripides’ Medea when he caught and beheaded.

Monday 8th June 2026 First day at Palaeography course. Nice crowd, nice vibes.

Tuesday 9th June 2026 Man finds comfort and solace in the pain of others, I think as I listen to Kurt Cobain.

Wednesday 10th June 2026 Thursday 11th June 2026 Visited Welcome Collection today with manuscript class.

No matter how loud the music the pain doesn’t disappear.

Have started Cicero’s On the Nature of Gods

Does one need the epistemological premises to find solace in either Epicurean or Stoic ethics?

We can assume abiding wisdom to our pains like parts of a comedy on stage as the Necessary unfurls, or reject expectations, hopes, wants and desires for frugality to avoid pain, disappointment and anxiety.

Photographic experiments/ Fragments / Artist in a dress/ Wrist cut/ A self-portrait in a mirror/

Artist in a dress/ Lipstick, eyeliner/ Smudged/ Dress, long sleeves/

Friday 12th June 2026

I can be sad and lonely, alone
Rather than sad and lonely with someone else in the house

But perhaps that is spoilt WEIRD First World priorities: personal satisfaction at the expense of doing what is right - materially maintaining with some semblance of emotional dignity a third world wife?

i t f a l l s

Dinner at Hiba with palaeography team. Lovely time. I would only want to be rich to entertain others and give gifts. People can invest their personal wealth.

Saturday 13th June 2026 I encourage Dawah Inc’s continued social media engagement. It will provide great sources for future history of art PhDs. “The Life and Works of Abu Akhi al-Yookayee (2001-2099), Content Creator in Late Stage Dawah”

We spend half a lifetime fighting for chastity, and spend the other half trying to reignite the cause of the first.

Sunday 14th June 2026 All day slump. Reading Cicero, and not much else. Long convo with AI back from his honeymoon about my week but not his. Pretty sure the Emirati girl was flirting, or at least that is how it would be considered by third parties.

Monday 15th June 2026 Finished reading last part of PhD at DS. Passed by FA’s. Then got into promoting his football event. Drill loud on the speaker, and me on laptop messaging, posting, strategising. He took this sly one.

Tuesday 16th June 2026 Saw HK re. tomorrow. Then library to read up on work by FB and JH upon his advice.

There is now a refined state I encounter beyond the dread of deluded hope. It optimistic, positive, cheerful, yet confident in being undiminished for any setback. Perhaps it is a result of curiosity indulged, industry, warlike ambition to succeed, to enjoy the process, the moment, not for the outcome, but the play.

Wednesday 17th June 2026 Don’t wanna talk about it. Went to FA’s, picked up a Bunsik on the way.

Thursday 18th June 2026 Wallowed. 🦛

Friday 19th June 2026 Met TW at GBT re. complaint 0930. Hadn’t anticipated G comin 1010. 😕

Had brunch at Honey & Co. because didn’t have breakfast. £30. Perhaps not again. But proper full. Looked smaller.

Met with BS and FA at Italian Bear. Then FA and I went back to his flat to shill more tickets. Then Tikka for dinner. He went to get a cigar. Then home for me.

Saturday 20th June 2026 At the same time, a girl probably doesn’t want to waste time with a guy who won’t be her husband. Thought this now when remembering asking a girl to whom I have no attraction but appreciated her intelligence and education, and wanted to cultivate a friendship to learn and bounce ideas, so asked to join football viewing, but she wasn’t interested. Not divining her intentions, but thought occurred.

My message to Shakeel:

Imagine if it is not just body but also mind that is extinguished at death. Only Reality will Persist.

On bad days, I check and recheck WhatsApp to see if anyone is speaking with me. They are taking over your brain, your mind, your soul, your bridge to Reality, they are hijacking your most precious part, that tiny part, like a chip, that is divine within you - if you want to feel you’re spoken to, pick up Cicero. Pick up a DK or Usborne. Make DK your SM, your Netflix, your screens. They want to kill you. Don’t let them kill you. Don’t let them in. Protect the fort. This is you speaking to the world. They can read this here. Or reproduced somewhere responsible. Not a WhatsApp forward. Yes, this is you with Cicero. “Hello Cicero!” Do you hear me, Cicero? Cicero is hearing me. Because I am reading Cicero. Cicero is deaf partially. Because I am dumb partially. Look, Cicero and I are having a conversation without WhatsApp.

BBQ in N1.

Sunday 21st June 2026 I just want to kill myself. I hate myself, I hate my life. I just don’t see the point. I am unhappy, alone, unsuccessful. What is the point?

I’ve had practice with hanging but my toes reach the floor. I need to tie the noose higher up and perhaps this time put a plastic bag around my head too.

I feel so sad.

I feel so lonely. It’s worse when you ring people and there is no reply because everyone else is with someone.

Spoke to AI in morning.

I can’t be bothered just scraping through.

One last act of responsibility is to rewrite will to everything is given to nephew.

I did have a thought: God is silent so I can hear him…

Something like that

During a snooze in morning

Distress seemed less intense after repeating a version of it as mantra

Someone help me out

Someone help me make sense of it all

I need to search for ‘happiness’, for escape from pain, for healing, for making sense, for what it is that I need, want, require, deserve.

The house is a mess

I set myself a challenge of not spending more than 1000GBP from Monzo

I spent some cash

Am on 20GBP

Need to budget better

So many odds and ends left undone

It’s hot too

I say I’m committed to Wisdom etc

I’m not clever

Speaking with others yesterday made that clear

I should keep silent

I have nothing to say

I should be dead

I should kill myself

Monday 22nd June 2026 FA’s studio. Good day. Lots of customers, including two of rare Greek.

I have to be warm and personable for the sake of the business.

I have to have good experiences to fill my tank. When it gets dry, I get suicidal.

Suicidal is a lack, not a fullness of responsible, rational, choice, perhaps.

Made gnocchi with spinach and single cream one pot. Turned out quite nice with soy sauce and finely chopped shallot. Still enough for Tuesday cooked and ingredients for Wednesday, possibly Thursday.

Tuesday 23rd June 2026 Went FA’s.

Hope makes you vulnerable to disappointment.

To avoid the pain of disappointment, avoid hope?

Disappointment is inevitable like hunger?

Stop hunger with eating. This process has to be repeated. It is inescapable.

Stop disappointment with? more hope? despair?

You can't numb your way out of hunger. You can’t numb your way out of disappointment.

What is to disappointment that eating is to hunger?

Bad mood, suicidal mood is like hunger cured with change of scene, conversation, exercise.

Suicidal mood is not essential, inevitable, conclusive. Suicidal mood is maths in another dimension that is as stable so long as you inhabit that space.

Wednesday 24th June 2026 I am a weird pathetic incel, as far as I can see. I just don’t see why I don’t kill myself and to end this embarrassment of my existence.

How do I make life ‘livable’?

A hungry person feels bad until he eats.
I need a food for my psyche, soul, mind. What is it?
I need to do it regularly. Liturgical devotions to the Mayor of his dominion?
Before sunrise, noon, afternoon, sunset, night: 2, 4, 4, 3, 4.
Same formula, same words, and again and again, like a meal of bread with different condiments at times.

I need to reconvince myself of this.
Nothing happens but by God’s Will
Whatever that means
Trust in Greater Power
He gets nothing out of being mean to me, right?
It can feel mean
But then again I ain’t entitled to anything
But if I remain faithful, then I get into his gardens
and I will be guaranteed happy there\

It’s not much
I can restart today
Millions of other people do it
Keep it basic\

Without a gun, suicide is such a faff. I may as well figure out a way of living. Hanging could lead to paralysis which would make life worse than it is.

People mock your unhappy life. They say you’re at fault.

They mock religious people who are depressed because they are deluded as being morally good despite being an incel.

Ways to stop being an incel:

• as advised by MH when I saw him at his shop back from Primark and Sainsbury’s just now: fix up physique and appearance. The former I know. I’ve done in past.

• learn good manners

• learn resilience to cope with repeated rejection

• the aim to get married is not an aim in itself but a means to greater Realisation of Wisdom and Virtue whose fruits are experienced after death and makes for the most fulfilling life until then

• as for first, following GBT issue, it might make sense to return to GD, but they only have classes on Monday and Wednesday evening

Thursday 25th June 2026

If you don’t have joy in your life, you can be judged morally inadequate. You are dissatisfied of your circumstances, either an act of God or of your own making. You lack mature emotional responses. You lack resilience. You are a hindrance and liability to the pack. You slow things down.

You have to say, “I’m healing right now. I will catch up stronger and better.”

Everything feels overwhelming. I feel vulnerable and weak; uninspiring. I could just be hungry.

Mood and feelings are funny things…

Habits trump feelings…

Habits for rational goals based upon rational aims, based upon a rational mission and vision...

Friday 26th June 2026 Went gym in morning for the first time after a long time. Eldest sister asked to meet up for lunch following my request for help to improve home. Her bus broke down not too far from our meeting point. We had lunch at Flora in Tooting market. Then she wanted to go Primark and M&S. In the end, she said that she was too hot to come to my house. I felt disappointed at her unreliability, and this is sadly not the first time I have experienced this.

The first line is via FA from his brother. The last time was inspired by it.

You are more likely to attract the right mate when in the flow and not the slow. With the flow, you grow. Little creative projects make you flow. Life is suffering. Nirvana is the escape. Holding onto the illusion of the self perpetuates life. Suffering is not inherently bad if it is a means to good.

Saturday 27th June 2026 I walk through life numb

I have no option

I am already dead inside

What difference does is make if I actually kill myself?

I feel dead already

Sunday 28th June 2026 I have to see the pain as ”process” in this pilgrimage to truth, realisation and growth, like straining under weights at a gym.

I have to triage the pain. If it is a basic headache, then I just need to drink more water.

Nothing makes sense. It falls apart. Where is the beginning? Where is the end? Where am I?

It's not just who I am, but also where am I?

I am in a darkness.

I can feel the rough and the smooth, which one will harm? which one will heal? I need a light. I need a guide.

And even when I can see, how do I know I am not deluded? What is true and what is false?

It's confusion that hurts. I want to find peace.

No sooner do I learn something, I learn that it was not as I had thought.
But what about if my learning that what I had learnt is not as I had thought is the intended thought? Perhaps I should be living in confusion?

Am I being manipulated like an ant by a boy with a stick?

Even if I was, why would that matter? Could I ever know? I have to deal with the here and now, right?

They say the past is history, and thus for me "fiction", and the future is mystery, and only the present moment is real. But the present turns into fiction and is always mystery. So I am suspended between fiction and mystery. The only permanence is impermanence.

Then what?

Ask yourself when was you last at peace? When did you last feel happiness? With Her. Various childhood flow states: writing poems, editing. Occupied with a task.

The Her one has to detach feelings from her person. The feelings are not unique to her and be replicated with another like satiety can be achieved with different types of food.

Flow tasks can get contaminated by surrounding forces, like what happened at GBT. Perhaps that is a "test" for sincerity to Flow state? It's sad to destroy a child's source of joy. Like a school stopping music lessons or something.

I just feel this pressure to reconcile the Hellenistic, the Abrahamic and the Dharmic.

I don't even know where I am with all this.

I have to thank (G_d) that I am okayish. Okayish is good. Okayish is so much better than a whole bunch of things.

OK, so I am Okayish, and that's good. But sometimes I feel in pain. Perhaps feeling periodic pain is part of the price of Okayish. Because to be numb is worse. The pain of Okayish is just ageing? The pain of Okayish is just like hunger - easily curable?

Went to Richmond for Meetup. Met some nice people. Walked beside river. 40 or so of us. Saw a collapsed yacht being rescued.

Monday 29th June 2026 FA's. Settling into new routine post-viva.

Tuesday 30th June 2026 Expelled from GBT. Rejoining GD.

Wednesday 1st July 2026 Met BS during his break from his summer school. Have been prepping slides for Mizan’s own Summer School. During time at Gordon Sq, KD rings me. BS already knew about his situation. Alarming.

I’ve alienated myself from those around me unlike FA with those around him at work.

Was peckish 2pm despite 11am Tesco clubcard meal deal and got Hare Krishna meal, saw Alex archivist on way to DS.

Thursday 2nd July 2026 Ikea deliveries in morning. Nice chaps. Alhamdulillah space in front of house for big lorry. The drill came separate by DPD. Was supposed to be 1-2pm today but was actually delivered yesterday in office. Got myself. Saw owner's son on way to dry cleaners going to open shop. Then went to Sugar and Spikes, a small piercing kiosk, owned by a charming young lady called Willow within her grandfather's retro clothing shop in the market.

Then DS. Finished slides. Sent invoice to FA and got paid straightaway. Alhamdulillah, all going well.

Met up with BS during his break in Tavistock Gardens.

Saw Ed Miliband in Tavistock Gardens sitting on a bench in casual clothes enjoying the air. I assume the guy on the next bench smoking and looking at his phone was his security. They both seemed to have wireless ear buds. Another man in short was standing behind within scrubs.

Then Italian Bear with VH and her Italian friend.

Friday 3rd July 2026 Saw Ish at Odeon Luxe as part of MIFF. Just saw leaflet about it in JCR. Met BS again there when he was attending Jumuah.

Saturday 4th July 2026 There’s something deeply humiliating and embarrassing about not being a recipient of romantic love as a male. It shows a lack of essential desirable qualities like strength and material security, the inability to inspire confidence in a physically weaker female with time limited capacity for reproduction. At the same, there is a sense of responsibility to not embark on a project while one is underprepared. That might sound as a “cope”, as they say. Not quite sour grapes. Perhaps I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I lack (currently) the resources to responsibly sire heirs. Perhaps the balanced and healthiest feeling is a little sadness, but happiness in being responsible, and having other things to do?

The loneliness of the weekend morning hurts.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Be a positive, grateful Muslim.

What does that mean?

Do your prayers and dhikr (autocorrected to “shirk”) and routine to fulfil goal.

But it still hurts to be alive alone.

You will never be happy.

That is true. “Happiness” is less of a choice than contentment. A person cannot be expected to be happy if their child dies. But they can choose to be dignified in behaviour.

I can choose what to do despite being lonely. What I do affects what I feel. What I feel affects what I do. I am accountable for what I do, not how I feel. I can disrupt how I feel by what I do?

I can do things that accumulatively make me feel brighter.

Sunday 5th July 2026 Monday 6th July 2026 Tuesday 7th July 2026 Wednesday 8th July 2026 Thursday 9th July 2026 Friday 10th July 2026 Saturday 11th July 2026 Sunday 12th July 2026 Monday 13th July 2026 Tuesday 14th July 2026 Wednesday 15th July 2026 Thursday 16th July 2026 Friday 17th July 2026 Saturday 18th July 2026 Sunday 19th July 2026 Monday 20th July 2026 Tuesday 21st July 2026 Wednesday 22nd July 2026 Thursday 23rd July 2026 Friday 24th July 2026 Saturday 25th July 2026 Sunday 26th July 2026 Monday 27th July 2026 Tuesday 28th July 2026 Wednesday 29th July 2026 Thursday 30th July 2026 Friday 31st July 2026 Saturday 1st August 2026 Sunday 2nd August 2026 Monday 3rd August 2026 Tuesday 4th August 2026 Wednesday 5th August 2026 Thursday 6th August 2026 Friday 7th August 2026 Saturday 8th August 2026 Sunday 9th August 2026 Monday 10th August 2026 Tuesday 11th August 2026 Wednesday 12th August 2026 Thursday 13th August 2026 Friday 14th August 2026 Saturday 15th August 2026 Sunday 16th August 2026 Monday 17th August 2026 Tuesday 18th August 2026 Wednesday 19th August 2026 Thursday 20th August 2026 Friday 21st August 2026 Saturday 22nd August 2026 Sunday 23rd August 2026 Monday 24th August 2026 Tuesday 25th August 2026 Wednesday 26th August 2026 Thursday 27th August 2026 Friday 28th August 2026 Saturday 29th August 2026 Sunday 30th August 2026 Monday 31st August 2026 Tuesday 1st September 2026 Wednesday 2nd September 2026 Thursday 3rd September 2026 Friday 4th September 2026 Saturday 5th September 2026 Sunday 6th September 2026 Monday 7th September 2026 Tuesday 8th September 2026 Wednesday 9th September 2026 Thursday 10th September 2026 Friday 11th September 2026 Saturday 12th September 2026 Sunday 13th September 2026 Monday 14th September 2026 Tuesday 15th September 2026 Wednesday 16th September 2026 Thursday 17th September 2026 Friday 18th September 2026 Saturday 19th September 2026 Sunday 20th September 2026 Monday 21st September 2026 Tuesday 22nd September 2026 Wednesday 23rd September 2026 Thursday 24th September 2026 Friday 25th September 2026 Saturday 26th September 2026 Sunday 27th September 2026 Monday 28th September 2026 Tuesday 29th September 2026 Wednesday 30th September 2026 Thursday 1st October 2026 Friday 2nd October 2026 Saturday 3rd October 2026 Sunday 4th October 2026 Monday 5th October 2026 Tuesday 6th October 2026 Wednesday 7th October 2026 Thursday 8th October 2026 Friday 9th October 2026 Saturday 10th October 2026 Sunday 11th October 2026 Monday 12th October 2026 Tuesday 13th October 2026 Wednesday 14th October 2026 Thursday 15th October 2026 Friday 16th October 2026 Saturday 17th October 2026 Sunday 18th October 2026 Monday 19th October 2026 Tuesday 20th October 2026 Wednesday 21st October 2026 Thursday 22nd October 2026 Friday 23rd October 2026 Saturday 24th October 2026 Sunday 25th October 2026 Monday 26th October 2026 Tuesday 27th October 2026 Wednesday 28th October 2026 Thursday 29th October 2026 Friday 30th October 2026 Saturday 31st October 2026 Sunday 1st November 2026 Monday 2nd November 2026 Tuesday 3rd November 2026 Wednesday 4th November 2026 Thursday 5th November 2026 Friday 6th November 2026 Saturday 7th November 2026 Sunday 8th November 2026 Monday 9th November 2026 Tuesday 10th November 2026 Wednesday 11th November 2026 Thursday 12th November 2026 Friday 13th November 2026 Saturday 14th November 2026 Sunday 15th November 2026 Monday 16th November 2026 Tuesday 17th November 2026 Wednesday 18th November 2026 Thursday 19th November 2026 Friday 20th November 2026 Saturday 21st November 2026 Sunday 22nd November 2026 Monday 23rd November 2026 Tuesday 24th November 2026 Wednesday 25th November 2026 Thursday 26th November 2026 Friday 27th November 2026 Saturday 28th November 2026 Sunday 29th November 2026 Monday 30th November 2026 Tuesday 1st December 2026 Wednesday 2nd December 2026 Thursday 3rd December 2026 Friday 4th December 2026 Saturday 5th December 2026 Sunday 6th December 2026 Monday 7th December 2026 Tuesday 8th December 2026 Wednesday 9th December 2026 Thursday 10th December 2026 Friday 11th December 2026 Saturday 12th December 2026 Sunday 13th December 2026 Monday 14th December 2026 Tuesday 15th December 2026 Wednesday 16th December 2026 Thursday 17th December 2026 Friday 18th December 2026 Saturday 19th December 2026 Sunday 20th December 2026 Monday 21st December 2026 Tuesday 22nd December 2026 Wednesday 23rd December 2026 Thursday 24th December 2026 Friday 25th December 2026 Saturday 26th December 2026 Sunday 27th December 2026 Monday 28th December 2026 Tuesday 29th December 2026 Wednesday 30th December 2026 Thursday 31st December 2026